There but for the grace of God.......

Getting better everyday! I am making it through my week here in Taipei, Taiwan....first business trip since I have been back at work. Very happy to report, its business as usual. Well, except that I don't pig out at the awesome breakfast buffet each morning like I normally would since most of the food is still a bit difficult to eat. But that's a blessing in itself and actually lets my daily session in the gym contribute to progress and not just make up for my gluttony. :)

As is the case in so many parts of the world, it isn't safe to drink tap water here. I was thinking how lucky we Americans are to be one of the few places where we can safely drink from our faucets. For most in America, this is such a given that I don't think many even think about how blessed we are. We take it for granted...but it would be an unthinkable luxury for most around the world. (and most in the world still don't appreciate saliva like they should...but that's another story...).

And anyone watching TV or listening to any news program lately can't help but see the devastation resulting from the earthquake in Haiti. The tremendous death rates, homeless victims, newly orphaned....... but did you realize that we recently had a similar sized earthquake in Northern California and while there was damage and even some lost their lives, the numbers paled in comparison. Why? Well, mainly because we have such a superior infrastructure and construction methods and life safety measures to rely on.

Ok, but why are any one of us here versus being one of the many living (or dying) in Haiti? Or living in a land where its not safe to drink the tap water. Or protest the government. Or be a women and want equal treatment as a man..... how often do we really contemplate that it is only because God decided that this would be the hand we were dealt. We didn't earn it. We could have just as easily been "created" in a third world country and have no access to the endless blessings of our country. We don't deserve to be here any more than any of the people in Haiti....we are just very lucky that we are. Very blessed that we have it so easy. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty because we are blessed... but we certainly shouldn't feel entitled because it is truly just a gift that we are here. And we should be thankful for this gift each and every day.

ok, ok......there is one advantage to not being able to drink the tap water.....i have to drink more Guinness while I am here. Guinness in Taipei.......actually not a bad combination. :)

Have a great week everyone. And be thankful for the hand we have been dealt. No matter what the hand, it could easily be a lot worse and is for so many people. We are blessed.

Life Goes on.....

So sorry for the extended silence. I returned to work a few weeks ago and life has been pretty hectic.

I did have a follow up PET scan last week. This is the test I have been waiting for as it would truly indicate if the treatment was successful and my only focus would be on recovery. The results weren't as good as I would have hoped, but they still weren't bad. Could have been a lot worse actually. Basically, there are indications that something is still going on. It might just be residual inflammation from the treatment. It might be a few other things besides cancer. But it also could still be cancer. I have another PET scan in 2 months. If the "noise" they see is due to one of the various non-cancer causes, that next scan should be clear. My radiation Doc is very optimistic. My chemo doc is more cautious. I'm going with the radiation doc.

Its been great being back at work. I really enjoy what I do anyway, and just being in a normal environment is a constant reminder that things are getting better. So normal in fact that I am leaving on a business trip to Taiwan next week. Amazing how not all that long ago my goal was simply to try not to vomit.....or move if I didn't have to..... so blessed.

Looking back over the second half of 2009, and my treatment experience, which I do from time to time, I can't help but just feel so darn lucky with how it played out. I go back every month for a check up, something I will do for at least the next year and maybe two, and when I am there I am surrounded by folks at various points of their treatment journey. So many of them have been at it for several months and their light remains at the end of a very distant tunnel. Heck, my treatment and time spent away from work was only three and a half months in total! Yes, there were some very dark days during those months, but it was so short compared to so many others' experiences. And other than very limited saliva production which makes eating a bit more of a chore than I would prefer, I am relatively back to normal. Much lighter than before, but that isn't a bad thing. :) I'm in the gym and riding my bike and on my way to regain my beach body.... ok, that's a joke..... but I am getting there!!

You know, as simple as it sounds, I really believe we can always find a silver lining someplace. Nothing is ever as bad as we might think it is. And there is always a lesson to be learned, even if we have to look a while to find it. Happy or sad, optimistic or pessimistic, stressed or relaxed...it really all is simply a state of mind. And the state of mind we choose really is a personal choice. I think I chose happy, optimistic and relaxed..... at least until my next PET scan. Kidding, I have no fear.

Hope the start of your 2010 is going very well. This is going to be a great year. Its all in how you choose to think about it. :)

Talk soon.....

Working man.....again.

Big day tomorrow. Encouraging sign that progress is positive. I go back to work....

I was thinking today just how long ago it seems that I had to stop working to focus on my treatment and then my recovery. Counting the days, it really isn't even 4 months. Seems like so much longer. Not that I want to sit around and live again the various stages of my journey.... no, the darkest days are best kept slightly out of focus.... I know their memories are there, tucked away should I ever need them (I won't), but deep enough not to be part of my daily consciousness. They weren't very pretty.... my nemeses (ok, and savior) daily radiation and punk chemo, vomiting which was so regular that it just seemed part of my day and stopped being surprising, not sleeping, living through the feeding tube, and the nausea.... no, not pretty. And while going through the darkness, time seemed to stand still.

But helping me through it all were my family and friends. And my faith. Once again God proved never to give me more than I could handle. He also never gave me more than my family and friends could handle by my side. I don't want to even think about what the experience would have been like had I not had such support. Such a blessing.

Getting back to work is huge. I met with my radiation doc a couple days ago and he is very happy with the progress and very optimistic. The PET scan is mid January and that will determine whether surgery is needed, but he thinks it will not be. The tumor in my mouth appears gone now based on the last MRI and both cancerous lymph nodes in my neck seem cancer free at this point. Again, the PET scan will be the true determiner of the state of recovery, but optimism runs high. And working again is just one more sign that the worst is far behind me.

I learned a lot of lessons during this process. Still learning actually. One lesson that easily comes to mind is just how powerful kindness can be. Something we are all capable of sharing, so easily given away to others, always in abundance, and the impact on the receiver so tremendous. Often just a quick text message or a brief email from someone letting me know they were thinking of me and wishing me well was so significant in helping me keep a positive outlook. How often do we think about doing or saying something kind for or to someone, but it doesn't get any further than a thought. It would have been so easy to follow through, but whether we are too busy or shy or unsure whether it will really matter (it always does), the benefit to that other person is lost. I really think kindness is underrated. A simple gesture, a kind word, can turn a persons entire day around positively. And the domino effect is contagious. Just do it. Worth the effort?

Ok, got to get ready for work tomorrow. A little piece of normal back into an otherwise very abnormal 2009......ahhhh, I like normal.

Have a great week. Now go be kind to someone. :)

gettin thru it.......

Been a little quiet lately. Recovery is progressing, although a bit slower than I would like, at least it continues in the right direction. Finding a few more foods here and there that I can eat. Definitely a big improvement from not all that long ago.

December 14 is back to work day. Seems like such a long time ago, and at the same time, not all that long ago that I stopped working to take on this challenge. Quite the journey, and although it has been one that given the choice I would have skipped, it has really turned out to be a blessing in many ways. I discovered I had friends that I didn't know I had, and friends that were much better friends than I considered before this ordeal. A loving, supportive family that really stepped up when needed, such a cherished discovery.

And believe it or not, I think I have grown to actually like Ensure! It remains a part of my daily intake, but more by choice than necessity now. Go figure.....

As might be expected, throughout this journey I have met, or been told about, many going through similar challenges. So often I hear about someone having a treatment time frame so much longer than mine. While mine was very intense while it lasted, probably the most aggressive treatment protocol offered, it did only last a few months. Not uncommon for others are time frames many months long, and at times over a year. I can't imagine going thru that for so long. I am blessed once again.

Christmas is coming. Such a happy, joyful time for most of us, as it should be. Especially this year though, with the economic climate what it is, this will be a challenging time for many as well. If you ever thought about cleaning out your closets or storage areas and getting rid of items that you just never use, now would be a good time. That extra coat could sure be a lifesaver to someone. There are so many options to help distribute those extra items...Salvation Army, Goodwill, local Churches..... we just need to take the first step. I am great at finding ways to procrastinate...I know I need to act, and really want to... but before I know it, the time has past. If I'm going to help others this Christmas, now is the time to get moving. Maybe you have some excess that could help others too? :)

Have a great week! Thanks again for all your support. I pray this Christmas season is special to all of you...and let's help make it the best ever to someone less fortunate.

God bless you.

Happy, wonderful, awesome Thanksgiving.....

Got my results from the MRI test I had yesterday. Very positve, encouraging results. Of course the PET scan in January will be the definitive test, and the ongoing monthly monitoring tests will be important to ensure the course has not changed, but this MRI test is the first significant opportunity to see who was winning this battle...... and the smart money is on me!!

Cutting through all the medical-ese, the general assessment is that at this point there is no need for any further treatment, everything looks "good", and essentially seems the cancer has high-tailed out of here. Good thing too because I was about to open another can of...well, you know... :)

In all seriousness, thanks to all for the prayer and support throughout this ordeal. I really think the corner has been turned. I am getting stronger everyday and my appetite is certainly challenging my body to keep up. I am starting to taste a little more and there seems daily to be more and more I can try to eat. God truly is blessing my recovery and I am very confident now that we are on the right path, a healing path.

Have a wonderful, thankful Thanksgiving. No matter what challenges we find in our path, not only could it easily be so much worse, but we also have countless reasons to feel blessed and thankful for the hand we have been dealt. We really are so lucky. And those challenges....somehow, we will get through them all. May not be in the way we imagined, or preferred, and the outcome may look very different than we hoped or imagined......but in the end, it still always works out. This life is a blessing, but still only temporary. Nothing is too great to handle when we trust God has our back....and we count on our friends and family as well.

Thank you all from the bottom of my healthy heart.

Leaving my comfort zone.......

A bit of another milestone today. Dinner at Mickey D's. Up to today, my meals were almost exclusively still Ensure. I have managed to get eggs down and occasionally, some link sausage. Oh, and of course, soup. Cup of noodles and Ramen this week, which really is glorified soup, just without the nutrition. I have wanted to try the long awaited, much savored, burger at McDonald's, but I realized today that part of the reason I haven't tried it yet was out of fear. Sure, until recently, it was because I just couldn't do it physically. But the last day or two I think I probably could at least try, but for some reason I kept gravitating back to my comfort zone of Ensure. It was just safer and there was always tomorrow....

So, once I realized that part of my reluctance was just being afraid to try, afraid to venture into the unsafe, discomfort zone, I decided to try. And, happy to report that I could eat a quarter pounder (no bun and I did share a little bit with tommy, my dog), some fries, and the fish in their fish sandwich. Swallowing heavily supported with constant swigs of ice tea, but got it down all the same. Not as comfortable as Ensure, but it was nice to get just that much closer to normal life.

In between bites, I did think about other areas that I let fear of leaving my comfort zone dictate my actions....and how at times they can actually be to the detriment of others. How often I have been stopped at a red light and noticed a card board sign toting fellow human being experiencing hard times and in need of a little help. Even a few bucks could make the difference of him (or her) getting something to eat. Did I have the money to give? Of course I could spare a buck or two. But I found it much more comfortable to come up with any number of reasons (excuses) for why my window never went down and the money never left my pocket. The light will be turning before I get it to him (it never turns that quickly), he looks too well dressed to really need the money (there is a minimum dress code now for needing help?), he looks too grungy he must be mental (isn't that the perfect candidate for help?), I don't have the right change (ok, so he gets a five instead...). I realize none of these are valid "reasons", I'm just not comfortable with the process. But why not? And ultimately he loses out on the help I could surely give...... help he really needs in most cases. Thank God, literally, that others have helped me when they haven't been totally comfortable with the act. Driving me to treatment I'm sure wasn't always convenient or comfortable, but I sure needed the help. Sitting by my side, watching me vomit endlessly... yeah, that's a lot of fun to sit thru.......

And, like anything else, leaving my comfort zone is only difficult until I do it a few times. I remember growing up, and learning to ride a bike, or a jet ski, or a motorcycle....and later in life, skydiving, scuba diving or learning to fly a plane..... all of these actions were very uncomfortable at first. But with repetition and practice, they became second nature. Wouldn't the best comfort zone to get comfortable stepping outside of be the one that allowed me to help others more easily? And since its just practice in doing so that would cure the uneasiness, of course I need to try. I bet I'm not the only one who has wanted to help someone at some point, but found it easier to come up with "reasons" why it would have to wait until next time....

Thanksgiving sounds like the perfect season to start......... And with as much as I have to be thankful for this year, I'm sure I have enough to share....

Have a great week. Give thanks for all the blessings you enjoy. And push yourself to step outside and share when you can...... it will get easier, and that can only be a good thing.

Dog Days of Recovery......

Recovery is progressing. Sleeping a little better finally. Throat not quite as sore as it was. Trying a few more foods....but soup and, of course Ensure, still are clear leaders. As recovery drags along, and the memory of the painful times grow more distant, I wonder if I possibly take some of the lessons learned for granted.... I sure hope not.

I also wonder if that's not what might happen throughout life. I've learned lessons, and they are influential, but then after time it takes a significant event to remind me of what I learned earlier. Sometimes its good to simply be reminded. But other times it might be too late. Clearly it would be worthwhile to try and remind myself often of the lessons I found compelling throughout my life, long before it might be too late.

My recovery is slower than I would like. But it isn't hard to remember days not long ago that I could barely dream of even being where I am now. It is all relative. But I have to make it relative good. And realize just how blessed it really is. Certainly always be thankful for all of it. Everyday. Because it could always be worse.....

Have a blessed and thankful day. Remember your own life lessons. And be kind to someone.