big day today.......

Hit a major milestone today.

I drank an Ensure today. By mouth. The entire bottle.....and guess what flavor it was? Yup, you guessed it, vanilla. Lovely vanilla. I don't care, it was huge. You might not think its such a big deal, but its been well over a month since I could do that. Maybe longer. Not sure why, but it actually brought tears to my eyes and this time not related to pain.

Its not much....then again, yes it is. Huge. And its a start. But I still don't care much for vanilla.....except today.

God bless you.

one small sip at a time......

Progress is being made.

Might be very slow, but I can actually feel improvement. Major milestones really...... started to swallow again. Last couple of days have been able to take drinks of water. Had my first sip of soup. Only one sip, maybe two, and my mouth wasn't quite ready yet, but at least I was able to do it. The unexpected body reflex swallows (I didn't even know I did that until this experience....did you?) still hurt, but not nearly as much as before. Went for a hike yesterday. Well, more like a walk on an unpaved road, but all the same, still exercise. Two hours at that (ok, it should have taken half that time), so I really am feeling optimism is warranted.

I have my first post-treatment appointment with my rad doc today. I think its just to check on my progress and to answer any questions, but I am hoping he isn't surprised by anything he sees. Another scan isn't scheduled for a while yet, but I am going to ask why not sooner. Last time we spoke he said the first two weeks wouldn't produce much improvement, but after that things should change. Well, today is the end of the second week, so I guess grocery shopping is on the agenda for tomorrow..... ok, maybe not quite yet.

All in all, I am feeling better. And the better I feel..... the further I get from the pain... the more this experience is a memory.... even more blessed I feel about the life with which I have been gifted. So lucky. I remember thinking 2009 was going to be a great year. Didn't expect this, but it still is a great year in ways I never imagined. Even more so, 2009 Thanksgiving will be very special. As will Christmas. And 2010 is gonna be an awesome year!!!!

Count your blessings my dear friends...... now go be kind to someone.

jesus didn't tap, neither did mom....

My mom died 2 years ago and the anniversary of passing was 2 days ago. I have so many memories of my mom (dad too, but that's another wonderful story). She was a very special woman, just ask anyone who ever was blessed enough to meet her, and as a mother, there was nothing more we could have asked for.

My mom struggled most of her adult life with manic depression. She actually was afflicted with it before the medical world really understood what it really was. As a result, our family experienced challenges unique compared to any of our friends. Sometimes embarrassing. Far more often the experience gave us a chance to see an amazing man, my father, never, ever leave her side. And we had a chance to watch a woman's faith grow to such an extreme level, Saint like really..... and how she never blamed God, questioned why her, and simply, consistently, offered her suffering quietly up to God. She knew what Jesus had done for her on the cross, so in her mind, it was the least she could do as appreciation.

I was always impressed with my mom's strength through her trying times. But this recent ordeal I am blessed to experience has allowed me to appreciate her even more. For those of you who may not be familiar with Ultimate Fighting, sorry for the tap reference. But tapping in UF is a way to quit a fight, to give up. Jesus certainly had the power to tap and avoid the entire cross nailing thing. Mom may not have been able to avoid her destiny, but she could have tapped and spent the rest of her time feeling sorry for herself or blaming others, particularly God. She was a fighter, and she never, ever considered tapping. She endured her intense, long-lasting ordeal with such dignity, such grace, and such reverence for Jesus, that it set the standard for me.

I'm not for a moment saying my journey has resulted in me being able to emulate my mother. She just set the bar and all I can do is try to shoot for that throughout this....and any future ordeal. I wouldn't even suggest my journey compares nearly to what she endured for a much longer period of time. I am saying that with such a wonderful example, there was no way I could ever tap this time either.

God bless my mom. She was truly a gift to many. And God bless all of you, also a gift to many, and certainly me.

My brother Pat has a much better tribute to my mom on his blog. If you care to see it, it can be found at:

http://deacon-pat.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-moms-aniversary-entrance-into-heaven.html

Ending week 1.....

Yikes.... as I wrote that title, it took me back many weeks to the end of the first week of my treatment. I would like to say I barely recall what that was like.....would "like" to say.......but I remember it vividly. I was going to be this tough guy and skate through week 1, pretty sure would get through week 2 without much challenge, and then gear up for the ensuing weeks when I fully expected to hold my own. Yeah, right. By day 2 I was getting my ample arse kicked, and by the end of the week I knew this was going to be much more than I ever anticipated.

So, while recalling those days still requires no effort, fortunately now we can start dealing with the weeks following treatment. Working with the knowledge that the first two weeks will result in little improvement, the actual progress has been a little better than none at all. The nausea seems to be relatively under control now, but I do find the vicoden to still provide more relief than I would like it to. Only one week into recovery, and no, I don't mean from vicoden addiction (I am very careful about that), I am hopeful that week two will continue to provide at lease some positive progress...... and then I hope to really get ready for Thanksgiving. No real food for a couple of months can't erase 50 years of practice. Although it did erase most of that ample arse I mentioned earlier.......let's see how long that lasts. :)

I do catch myself though when I think about getting back to "normal"..... just how different my normal is from many others. I am surrounded by cupboards filled with food that I can't eat now, but will be able to at some point. I have a roof over my head and money to pay my bills....and insurance to pay the ones I would struggle to cover. Not a day goes by that I don't see someone on some street corner, with their cardboard sign, asking for food, or money or help of some sort. I think about all the others that don't know where their next meal will come from or even how they will get through the day. And how many can't name a single friend they have or can count on..... Yeah, this has been a very trying ordeal battling this cancer thing...but it will be over soon. For many others, their battle never ends. Thanksgiving is coming soon, but we should all make every day a Thanksgiving day....and then help someone when we can. And its probably more often than we do or even think we can. We are so blessed. I am more than I ever knew.

Ok, vicoden time. And bring on week #2!!!!

God bless y'all.

one more day at a time, but a better one....

Looks like the corners being turned in this recovery phase are a little more rounded, a little smoother than those razor sharp edges in the treatment phase. I know its only been a couple days removed from those darkest of days endured this past week, but I have to think, have to hope that these are the start of the much anticipated road back to good health.

There is still quite a ways to go, yes I know....like being able to actually swallow anything..... being able to stop with the meds, especially vicoden.... have a "meal" that doesn't go through a tube..... sleep more than an hour without gagging myself awake..... and a number of other milestones. BUT it sure is nice to have nausea a distant, infrequent visitor as opposed to being my shadow. And even though my energy level lasts in durations measured in minutes, that's better than none at all. I now can actually feel what getting better might be like because I think I have started on that specific path finally. ahhhhhhhh.........

I guess I should let this upcoming week unwrap itself before I think I might be ahead of the doc's predicted 2 week time frame for starting to feel better, but after almost 2 months, sorry if I'm a bit anxious. Ok, let me slow down a bit and just let y'all know more this week. :):)

Have a great week everyone. Be kind to someone. As always and for always....thanks so very much for all your prayers and support. My life is forever changed because of both.

Holy Moly

Wow. Sure didn't expect the intensity of this last rumble in the jungle with king chemo.....yes formerly known as punk chemo.....but have to give respect where earned. I knew that the cumulative effects of 34 radiation sessions and the three chemo sessions would add up to a bigger, badder version of the bully...... but two words.....Holy Moly.

I know it could still have been worse...and I know there are many, many others who endure far deeper suffering than I can even imagine..... so I will still refrain from comparing my week long descent into Helk with a journey anywhere near venturing into "Hell"....but I can say with complete certainty that I never, ever want to test Hell.

The good news is that I have now completed the treatment phase, both radiation and chemo, and now the recovery phase can begin. Doc says there is still probably about two weeks where the cumulative effects will still work their magic, so any really improvement in comfort is still a couple weeks away, but just knowing that I have touched the halfway mark on the playground and now can run back to the starting point is a good feeling. And, each day can only get "mo bettah", and frankly, it is. Next goal is to try and sleep at night. So far, 1-2 hours is the max before I have to get up and "cough up" the build up (purposefully cryptic description...), but that should get better in the next couple weeks too.

I still am going for daily hydration. Sort of a trade off for not getting any caloric intake for several days. I do need to start getting the calories back. I think the official weight loss topped out at somewhere between 25-30 pounds. Its just that this last week, anytime I could even get some in thru the tube, it was only moments and it came back up. Not pretty, so use your imagination if you feel the need. I think I'll pass.

Anyway, while at hydration, which takes place in the same place as any other infusion...like chemo.... I am surrounded by people at varying stages of their treatment. Many just where I was 7 weeks ago. I feel for them. They have no idea what to expect. Not sure what I would or could say to help. Still processing it all myself. But I was asked I would help with support groups, so I will figure something out.

There is one cumulative effect far stronger than anything radiation and chemo can piece together, and that's the cumulative impact that caring, loving, supportive people can wrap like a blanket around someone going through this. I still don't know how I would have gotten this far without the tremendous blessing God graced me with. Thank y'all so very, very much. I know I'm not done yet, but I also know you aren't either. I can't wait to get this chapter finished, but the book is far from completed......and that is a good thing.

God Bless all of you.

Familiar place...but with a twist...

Seems pretty consistent these days 3-6 post chemo. Definitely the darkest. First couple of days were like the typical feeling out, give and take positioning between two opponents who respected each other, but were both intent on getting down to it. There will only be one winner, and since this is the final bout, its for the title. There will be no rematch.

I think punk chemo used his cohort rads to help with a little sneaky tug to get my one not so well planted foot which was on solid ground...to slip over and now both are squishing around in the muck of nausea lake. And I'm sure doing my fair share of chumming......But what they both have overlooked is that I only have two more days of treatment and then my entire focus is getting better. Recovery.

Will resurface soon. Got to keep my head in this fight, rounds aren't over quite yet. But, no worries, WE will prevail.

We will stand tall and know we fought an honorable fight. You and me. Thank you so much, I couldn't have done it without your love and support.

Ok, come on punk chemo, let's go.........

walking that fine line......

A bit eerie this morning..... last night too. Fully geared up mentally to pad up, descend to the depths of helk with punk chemo, invite his cohort rads to join in, and let the best man win. I'm ready, but not quite sure where he is. There are signs that he has checked in the neighborhood.

Surprisingly calm night last night. Low level electrical current flowed through my body all night, causing a very alluring desire to not move a single muscle fibre and embrace to overwhelming calmness....afraid that even a twitch could bring the dreamlike state crashing down, but i didn't move and the only concern was wondering what punk chemo was planning. Cunning strategist, I have to give him that.

Walking that fine line this morning. One foot planted on calm terrain, the other dipping into the nauseous waters lapping just just close within reach to get my foot wet and let me know it was always there. Will they stay at ground level and will this IV I am hooked up to provide the hydration geared at helping to chase away punk chemo faster..... or will this really be his warm up and its still helk for us anyway. Since this is the last battle with him anyway, whatever, I'm here to stay, his temp visa is expiring in days......... but if he would like to take on a kinder, gentler approach and part as the life saving friend he really is, ok by me. Truth be told, I love him for helping to save my life. Rads too.

I heard that my last 4 radiation treatments will be boost treatments. Odd name for them because it means that they are reducing the size of the radiation fields. This is good news for a few reasons: 1) the tumors are responding and I don't need as much radiation, 2) less radiation should feel better, and most important 3) I'm reaching the end of treatment and can finally start the recovery phase. Not sure the exact duration for recovery, and there are many milestones throughout the process, but it will last at least as long as the treatment period. Unlike treatment though, as I progress through the process, I will feel better and better.

Not sure I would want to work in a place like this. Sure, helping people would be rewarding. But the constant cycling in and out, new faces, old faces, young faces that start looking older far too soon. Pain, clearly present on the faces of some, and on others, etched into lines on their face from battles fought much longer than mine. Our minds have a wonderful way of compartmentalizing the trials we face. Time really does play a huge role in our coping with challenges. 7 weeks ago I really couldn't see this far down the road. If i dared to dream past that day, once or twice i might have thought about getting through September. But then stopped as there was just too much to get through daily. Well, hello October. And although I will never forget the details of this journey, they certainly don't seem as bad from even this distance. I really am blessed though, others have it far worse than I ever will. I thank God everyday for being gentle with me. And for making it abundantly clear how he manifested His love for me in the form of surrounding me with so many loving and caring souls. I will always want to repay those who put their lives on hold to help me.... but as i mentioned before, i think that gift is one designed not to be repaid, but to be passed on. A touch, a kind word, a simple loving gesture of assistance, a smile, trying to understand that the mean stranger (or maybe not even a stranger at all but someone close) who snapped or cut you off in the fast lane, probably is dealing with a lot of junk at the moment and just needs a boost.

Our lives are really wonderful and full of so many blessings. All to often we get mired in what really are trivial matters, or ego driven feeling of lack of appreciation or disrespect, or simply not taking the time to look for the good, which almost always can be found if we look hard enough. Or even just trying to understand that the person you are irritated with might be dealing with something far more serious than we know, and we need to be more compassionate. I know it can be a big change for some, but I have found that it can really be as simple as starting each day with thanking God for giving me another day, then expecting the day to turn out well and be the blessing it is, and when challenges come, embrace them as the test they are to trust and look for the good....because somewhere in every challenge, there will be good. Just have to look for it. And never forget, there is no situation that couldn't be worse, so be thankful for the hand you have been dealt.

Now go make someone smile. We are almost there with this little challenge. And I really mean "we"...... thank you so very much.

ok, where is he?

Round 1 with chemo caught me off guard. I didn't know what to expect, and he gave me much more than I prepared for. Round 2 I was much more ready, and spending a few days in Helk wasn't pretty, but right where I thought we would be. I will be generous and call it a draw. Now, round 3 was yesterday, and I was fully prepared for battle royal..... but where is the punk? relatively calm night last night, and nothing out of the ordinary so far today. So Far. So far. I know he's lurking out there somewhere though. Come on, let's just get this over with, ok?


Radiation..... 30 down, 4 more to go. Tuesday next week, the "don't let the door hit you on the backside on your way out and don't come back" love song I have waited so long to hear should be playing loud and clear. Still got to get the all clear from the docs, but I am expecting no less. And no other disk is in the jukebox, so no song substitutions.


Want to see a little more of my radiation world.....



Assuming the position.....

Bring it on Rad Man!

Mask me.....


Rosary time... Lose 25 pounds and still fat!! I want my money back......


Ok, well hope that gives you a little glimpse into my recent world. I will save you from the more gory aspects like hacking blood, vomiting, and all the other lousy parts of these past almost 7 weeks. Rather, let's celebrate beating this thing....and know we did it together. Because we really did do it together. I couldn't have done it without the combined love and support of everyone. More on that later....better wait until I actually get the clean bill of health verdict...... but we are close, and I am not a patient man. More now than ever before though, so see...another fist for my list.

Have a great day all. Make someone smile.

Final Chemo...Getting closer.....

One milestone reached today. Final chemo. well, its underway as I type. I am hoping that after the first two encounters with punk chemo, that maybe we can part ways with a little more civility this time. I am definitely willing....just not so sure he is. We'll see over the next few days I guess. He might be a little more cooperative if he was on his own, but since he also has to get radiation to buy in on the kinder, gentler approach, I am thinking probably not. Fine. Whatever.

After today, just 5 more radiation treatments. The cumulative effects have really started to take their toll. Very hard to swallow even the tiniest sips of water. Mouth is very sore all the time. Vomiting is routine. Actually look forward to it because I know its coming, and i feel better right after. Bizarre. Fortunately I can take almost everything by feeding tube. But I still have to take certain pills by mouth. Most are small, so its possible. It is interesting though that the pill I take for mucus buildup is about the size of my little toe. Why? Who thinks that would be ok to design a pill to be so large when the most common user would be someone who was struggling to swallow in the first place?! I eventually get it down, and it is good for 12 hours, but what a side show trying to swallow it. The pain dance I do after competes with River Dance........ but at least I get relief. And anyone watching gets entertainment.....

I'm not sure what the next few weeks will be like, but it will sure be nice to stop the destruction (yes, I know its actually saving me, but it does feel like its destroying my mouth) and start the healing process. I'm not expecting it to be speedy, but I am expecting it to be eventual for sure. I cant wait to eat real food again. And coffee. And wine. And of course.... Guinness. All in due time. But I can promise that once I can, and once I can actually taste it again..... boy will I cherish each and every drop. Just a matter of time....

Thanks again for all your love and support. Could not have done this without it.

Gearing up for Week 7!

Week 7. Finally here. Get this one behind me and then just 2 days next week until those long awaited words....."ok kevin, that's your last treatment.....".

These last several days have been all they were billed to be, yucky. The cumulative effect of the radiation has been building for some time now, and combined with the chemo, well, I just want to get this over with.

I have heard that one thing almost every cancer fighter remembers is the day they learned of their diagnosis. Supposedly this is a date that is never forgotten, and the anniversary celebrated annually. Honestly, I really don't know when that was for me. I looked back, and I think it was August 5. Not sure that date will really hold that much significance to me. As far as I am concerned, that was a date on which I learned that I was destined for a pretty challenging journey, with no guaranteed outcome. But far more memorable for me will be the actual journey in pursuit of recovery. And of course, the day I finished treatment. So maybe October 13 will be the date I "celebrate" every year (yes, remaining optimistic here....)

Assuming all goes well, having completed the challenging journey of the treatment phase is certainly worthy of a celebration....and one to repeat every year. But a far greater reason to celebrate each year....and actually, everyday.... are the life lessons learned through this ordeal. Friends, family, relationships are priceless. All too often they are undervalued, taken for granted, left to whither on the vine based on the ridiculous assumption that they can be revived "tomorrow". I continue to be humbled by the caring and concern expended on my behalf. I simply never would have imagined people caring the way they do. That will be cherished everyday, and definitely celebrated every anniversary.

And, of course, the importance of faith. Trusting God and the promise that He has me safely in His hands. I can sincerely say, not once have I feared the outcome of this journey. Or questioned it. That is a blessing in and of itself.

I did have a scan the other day and was able to meet with my docs to get an update on my "progress". Apparently they are satisfied that all is progressing as hoped and the schedule will not change. They tend to downplay everything, but what I take from that is good news. Treatment should finish on October 13, and then recovery starts. With daily thanks continuing forever.

Have a great weekend everyone. We are turning that final corner.

wrist bands are here

Please forgive me for sounding presumptuous about thinking anyone would want to wear a wrist band, but I do know of a few of you that do. I know some want to protect their privacy, addresses, etc.... so, best way would probably be to send me an email with your address and how many you want, and I will send them to you. Email address to use is kkearns@ebay.com.

For those of you who are local, you can get them anytime and save me postage. :)

Thanks again to all who continue to amaze me with your caring and support. WE are almost there.