walking that fine line......

A bit eerie this morning..... last night too. Fully geared up mentally to pad up, descend to the depths of helk with punk chemo, invite his cohort rads to join in, and let the best man win. I'm ready, but not quite sure where he is. There are signs that he has checked in the neighborhood.

Surprisingly calm night last night. Low level electrical current flowed through my body all night, causing a very alluring desire to not move a single muscle fibre and embrace to overwhelming calmness....afraid that even a twitch could bring the dreamlike state crashing down, but i didn't move and the only concern was wondering what punk chemo was planning. Cunning strategist, I have to give him that.

Walking that fine line this morning. One foot planted on calm terrain, the other dipping into the nauseous waters lapping just just close within reach to get my foot wet and let me know it was always there. Will they stay at ground level and will this IV I am hooked up to provide the hydration geared at helping to chase away punk chemo faster..... or will this really be his warm up and its still helk for us anyway. Since this is the last battle with him anyway, whatever, I'm here to stay, his temp visa is expiring in days......... but if he would like to take on a kinder, gentler approach and part as the life saving friend he really is, ok by me. Truth be told, I love him for helping to save my life. Rads too.

I heard that my last 4 radiation treatments will be boost treatments. Odd name for them because it means that they are reducing the size of the radiation fields. This is good news for a few reasons: 1) the tumors are responding and I don't need as much radiation, 2) less radiation should feel better, and most important 3) I'm reaching the end of treatment and can finally start the recovery phase. Not sure the exact duration for recovery, and there are many milestones throughout the process, but it will last at least as long as the treatment period. Unlike treatment though, as I progress through the process, I will feel better and better.

Not sure I would want to work in a place like this. Sure, helping people would be rewarding. But the constant cycling in and out, new faces, old faces, young faces that start looking older far too soon. Pain, clearly present on the faces of some, and on others, etched into lines on their face from battles fought much longer than mine. Our minds have a wonderful way of compartmentalizing the trials we face. Time really does play a huge role in our coping with challenges. 7 weeks ago I really couldn't see this far down the road. If i dared to dream past that day, once or twice i might have thought about getting through September. But then stopped as there was just too much to get through daily. Well, hello October. And although I will never forget the details of this journey, they certainly don't seem as bad from even this distance. I really am blessed though, others have it far worse than I ever will. I thank God everyday for being gentle with me. And for making it abundantly clear how he manifested His love for me in the form of surrounding me with so many loving and caring souls. I will always want to repay those who put their lives on hold to help me.... but as i mentioned before, i think that gift is one designed not to be repaid, but to be passed on. A touch, a kind word, a simple loving gesture of assistance, a smile, trying to understand that the mean stranger (or maybe not even a stranger at all but someone close) who snapped or cut you off in the fast lane, probably is dealing with a lot of junk at the moment and just needs a boost.

Our lives are really wonderful and full of so many blessings. All to often we get mired in what really are trivial matters, or ego driven feeling of lack of appreciation or disrespect, or simply not taking the time to look for the good, which almost always can be found if we look hard enough. Or even just trying to understand that the person you are irritated with might be dealing with something far more serious than we know, and we need to be more compassionate. I know it can be a big change for some, but I have found that it can really be as simple as starting each day with thanking God for giving me another day, then expecting the day to turn out well and be the blessing it is, and when challenges come, embrace them as the test they are to trust and look for the good....because somewhere in every challenge, there will be good. Just have to look for it. And never forget, there is no situation that couldn't be worse, so be thankful for the hand you have been dealt.

Now go make someone smile. We are almost there with this little challenge. And I really mean "we"...... thank you so very much.