Ensure Fast?!....Better than shaving your heads......

Ensure fast....very cool. And a much better idea for those who really want to walk along in spirit than to share in my hair loss. Although the comedic value of a number of shiny noggins could bring smiles for a long time, honestly, I would feel much better just sharing stories with those who get to experience the wholesome, culinary delicacy in a bottle. Wonder how many will be vanilla..... :)

I was very excited going to treatment today. After today the countdown number was supposed to be 8 more treatments. Oh, and yes, one more battle royal, ultimate fighting, death cage match with punk chemo..... so much for my negotiating skills. Truth be told, I didn't fight too hard, as much as I hate the thought of another round, it is increasing my odds for a successful outcome, so what's a few more days in Helk. Anyway, after being strapped in the radiation machine for what seemed like an hour (really probably 25 minutes), I was told to go home, that the machine was down and wouldn't be back up until tomorrow. Which means adding another day. Only one day, yes I know.....but I was so focused on hitting that finish line on October 12. Looks like lucky #13 it will be. And since recovery will take a while, one day will get lost in the overall mix soon enough anyway......but the days have been getting more challenging, so the last one still can't come soon enough.

Thanks again for all your support. And thanks to those who try an ensure or two, nice gesture. Hopefully not too far off and we cans witch it to Guinness. For those less adventurous but who might want to take part in a much more fashion forward expression, I think I have some wristbands coming. They say kevin beats cancer and are probably green and black. If anyone has any interest, just let me know and I can send your collectors item. :)

OK, time for my friends vicoden and anti-nausea meds...... better than counting sheep. Speaking of counting though, count your blessings.....start early though, the list is long I'm sure. Have a great day.

The countdown begins.....

Ok, I suppose the countdown actually began several weeks ago when I started this treatment journey. But trying to imagine so many days yet to go, and not knowing for sure what challenges those days would present, it seemed better to just take it day by day. Looking back, that was the only way as my various opponents were just too formidable to look past them to the next game.... In fact, the past several days have been the most challenging yet. The nausea just seems to think it has become a welcome constant companion. Just as soon as the food gets "tubed" in, it seemed to want to keep going up, up and away. Thankfully my floor is clean since that is where I find myself much of the time.

Even so, I just can't help thinking of those others less fortunate who have the same affliction, but no where near the same access to world class medical care. Who can't find even the infrequent relief offered by the pain and nausea meds that I have in abundance. I often flash back to the volunteer trip my brother Tim and I made to Kenya a few years ago and how so many lived in little tin metal "tents", with dirt (mud most of the time) floors and no indoor plumbing. It was tough when they were healthy. I don't want to imagine what this experience would be like if even a portion of that storyline was introduced in the mix. Just so so lucky. And blessed.

But now, with today's treatment completed, I only have 10 more to go. After tomorrow, single digits. Sure, still might have to visit Helk one more time to finish my battle with punk chemo (I say might because I am lobbying to skip it.....and they aren't saying "no" just yet.....but my hopes aren't high for a successful negotiation...), but I think I can now start to see the remaining distance in the tunnel. Even if the rest of my days are like these past ones.....bring it on. The tic toc is getting louder.......

Recovery is a big unknown at this point. How long before I regain a semblance of normal saliva production? How long before I find something that tastes like its not made of metal....and then not cardboard.....and then maybe even close to what I remember it should taste like? How long before I can swallow? How long before I have to say bon voyage to my sexy feeding tube? So many questions...... but boy I can't wait to have those as the focus of my quest.

Does it sound like maybe I left out the question of whether the treatment was successful or not? Well, that's intentional...... there is no other option. None. So why bother asking. :)

Keep the prayers and well wishes coming...you will never fully know how much that has meant to me. Nothing short of everything.

Rip Van Winkleesque

Started sliding the man hole cover back this morning.....finally confident enough to peek out over the edge. Not sure where I went this past....well, gosh, over a week I see since I last wrote. I would be overstating it if I said I went to Hell for a while. As you probably know by now, I can always find a way to envision anything being better than it could be...... So I don't think I made it to Hell. I think that destination should be reserved for those who really suffer. But I know I went way past Heck. Is there a place called Helk? Pretty sure I went to Helk.

Today is the last day of week 5. Week 5! Seems so long ago I couldn't see the end of September and now we are almost there. The time is flying. And its not. This past week I swear all clocks seemed stalled on whatever time it was at that moment. Was I dreaming? Does Helk suspend time while breathing its metallic tasting air? (more on that another time, but how can everything taste like metal?!) I don't know but for the first time in my life, I really did just look forward to the next hour coming and going....and coming and going...... (see, another first on my new list...)

As bad as it got, it was so easy to remember how lucky I was though because I had hope....so many don't. I know this is temporary. I know I will get better. I know this will be but a memory at some point and I will still have a wonderful, God Blessed life, with far more than I will ever deserve. How many people have no hope? How many struggle with challenges that are not temporary? Please forgive me if so often I gravitate back to this mindset, but please....please..... take inventory of all you have to be thankful for. I promise you the list is long. Every little aspect is important, don't gloss over those....and when you spend a few moments each day, and I hope you do, reflecting on just how lucky we all are..... how can any of us not be just a little happier? And hopefully appreciative.

Thanks so much to everyone who have continually walked by my side through this journey. I feel your presence, I really do. We are getting closer.

Please enjoy your weekend. Appreciate those who love you, your friends, they really are a blessing. So are you. Be kind to someone.

Ok, radiation time......and then week 5 is in the can!!

Tic Toc

The fog was supposed to be lifting by now....

The dust was supposed to be settling.....

I know it could be much worse.

I know it could be much worse.

I know it could be much worse.

Still sucks.

you might be saving my life, but i dont care much for you right now.....

You again.

Fortunately, seems like quite a while since we last met. I knew you would be back though. And while you surprised me with your sneak attack last time, you're gonna have to work harder this time pal.....

Hanging there in your little plastic bag, dripping ever so inconspicuously, acting so innocent, like you mean no harm..... but i know the power of your punch. Maybe I underestimated you last time, but I am ready for you this time sucker...... punk.....

This day has been on my calendar for weeks. I will admit I wasn't looking forward to this rematch. You did have me psyched out a bit, especially this morning. Getting up early, sitting in my bathroom letting the shower water heat up, I did have a moment when you might have thought I was trembling a bit. I was just cold.... yeah, honest, that was it.......

I can't imagine how Jesus felt the hours before Judas betrayed him. Just thinking about what He went through those final hours actually gave me strength this morning. He could have walked away, but chose not to. Maybe I don't have that same choice, but I do have Him on my side...... and what I was going to face would so pale in comparison...... you are definitely not nearly the adversary.....

I have friends who are standing by me. Who do you have? Your buddy radiation? Ok, he packs a pretty good wallop too, but I will take my friends. They will be with me long after you both are well down memory lane..... and harbor no fantasies that you will end up anywhere else.... or that you will ever get a reunion invite.... you will be history buddy.... I appreciate that you and Rads are saving my life, but once you do, I really don't want to have anything to do with either of you ever again.... got it?

Ok chemo, ready to go? Let's do this. Time to get down in that dark place where we will battle for the next few days. I'm not afraid of the dark... or you....well, maybe a little, but I'm ready for you..... really, I am...... punk.

September 12 ....... memorable for many reasons....

ahhhhhhhhh, what a day. If all goes as planned, one month from today I have my last treatment. Then recovery, and before I can say "more ribs please", it will be like this never happened. Or at least a memory growing ever distant....

Today is also the first day I found the hair from my head in places other than my head. On my pillow, my bed, the sink and the shower. Doc said I would start losing it right about the time for chemo #2, so she was right on the money. Hope she is as right about the rest of my treatment. A shiny noggin is a small price to pay......

Can't swallow anymore, so its 100% tube feeding now. Kind of a bummer, but the good thing is that I know exactly how many Ensure I need to get to my elusive caloric intake goal. Still trying to dial that in since I lost a little more weight yesterday. Never thought the day would come when I would be anything short of ecstatic to step on a scale and see that I had actually lost a couple pounds. When the nurse weighed me, I kept my shoes on and even tried to keep my blackberry (hey, its half a pound, but she caught me)...... so different from before when I would shed almost everything but my shirt (had to still hide the belly)..... Heck, even as a small, well, better make that "young" boy, going shopping for pants and being directed to the "Husky" section was only the start of my lifelong battle to get that scale to go south, not north. Better add another bottle of ensure to my daily regiment..... don't want to get too skinny...... no, still doesn't sound right.

Liquid Vicoden is good stuff. I am careful and do try to limit my use, but it sure makes the tougher moments a little easier.

Up and down emotionally today for some reason. Family is here, that's good. Hair falling out isn't so good, but not a surprise and definitely temporary, so shouldn't be an issue. So thankful to have world class medical care and access to the best meds to help get through this, so that is a blessing. I can still get up, move around, take care of myself, so again, an amazing blessing and far better than it could be. And surrounded by love and friendship so no idea why the emotional roller coaster today......

Oh well, maybe just gearing up for next week. Hell week. But once its done, will be more than halfway. I cant wait........

Have a great weekend everyone..... we are so blessed in countless ways.

Goodness is basic...thank goodness

I believe in the basic goodness of people. The innate desire to be helpful, to do good, .... to actually feel like some one's life was bettered because of something you did...... I think almost everyone possesses this desire in varying amounts.

All too often its more a case of not knowing what to do or how to help than it is in having the desire to do so. Make it easy for someone to help, they usually will. Many times it benefits the giver as much as the recipient. Having been on a few international volunteer/mission trips, I can tell first hand that I always got more from the experience than I gave.

Often recently, I have been reminded by friends of ways I might have helped them in the past. Truthfully, I never thought about it that way. They needed help, I could help, so just help. Not really much to think about, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. I have witnessed countless times during this current ordeal, the basic desire of others to help me. The biggest challenge is finding ways to channel this desire, but there is simply no shortage of willingness to help. More than willingness, an actual desire to do so. I have felt uncomfortable at times....an appointment was running longer than it should and how this must be adding to the burden of my "driver".... but I have come to realize that they are not thinking this way at all. They are just happy to be helping.

I am very lucky to have such a great support system. And as special as my friends and family are, I really think this is human nature. Sometimes we think we don't have the capacity or talent to help, or that our effort is too minimal to have a positive impact, or our donation too small, or our time too short..... but that is rarely the case. Just do it. And maybe next time do a little more. But recognize, the want to help is in our DNA..... tap into it, it feels good. And those on the receiving end, like I am so often these days, will be better for it too.

One more day this week, then the weekend break. A little bittersweet as it also means closer to Tuesday, Chemo #2. Ugh. Ugghhhhh. A better way to look at it is just that much closer to getting this all behind me. Ok, that's the mindset I will take....for now..... still hate the thought of the days immediately after chemo. They don't last forever though.

Have a great week everyone. Treat yourself, go help someone.

Better second time around?

I remember when I turned 50 last year, I thought ok, now starts the second half of my life. Not sure why, but for many years I have just had a feeling that 100 was a birthday I would celebrate. Then, when I turned 51 this past July, it was very comfortable thinking that I had completed the first year of my second 50, and wondered how the two phases of my life might compare.

Not sure why, or even what significance this might have had at the time, but I recall thinking about all the "firsts" I experienced during "phase 1". First birthday, first shoes, first wagon, first day at kindergarten, first bicycle, first day at middle school, first "girlfriend", first day at high school, first day at college, first beer, first fight, first heartbreak, first job after college, first parent dying, first time on earth without parents, first charity, first mission trip.... actually, the list is amazingly long. And how couldn't it be. Exist long enough and everything tried is a first initially.

So, then I started thinking about what might possibly still be available to be a "first" during my second 50 years. That list was surprisingly short. First wedding, first child, first senior citizen discount... those were easy to tag. But what else? I can tell you the one thing that didn't cross my mind was first life threatening illness. Guess it kind of goes hand in hand with the whole live to 100 thing....one doesn't spend a lot of time thinking of something a bit in contrast with living.

As I thought more about this "gift" I discovered very early into the second year on my second 50, it actually presented me with more "first" opportunities than I ever would have imagined. Granted, there may be easier ways to achieve some of these. Then again, maybe not. I, for one, don't know if I would be able to count these on my second "first" list if not for my challenge. Things like really appreciating for the first time, saliva. Trust me, you do take it for granted until you don't have any. Appreciating for the first time, the ability to taste your favorite food, or any food. Savoring will take on an entirely new meaning, and importance, when I can again. Truly appreciating for the first time how special friendships and relationships can, and should be. Sure, I have always thought they were important, but I also always thought I didn't pay them as much attention as I should, and some day I really needed to get around to it. Some day, when I had more time........ For the first time, I now know nothing is more important. That and my faith, which also needed a kick in the arse to get back on track. But devoting time to personal relationships is so easily deferred, procrastinated to a time when I would surely get around to it....but never really did. And distance shouldn't be an obstacle, but more an enticing change of scenery to add to the joy of connecting with someone special. After all, when one really gets to the end of the race, its relationships, both human and spiritual, that are all we have. And how beautiful they are if we nurture them properly.

So, while my second set of firsts will look very different from the original recipe, I really am excited about experiencing them. And even more exciting......... they include you.

Have an awesome day. And think about your next set of firsts........

Flavor Bonanza

Just when I thought the vanilla would get the best of me, i decided it was time....well, more my stomach demanded it was time, to add at least one of the other two Ensure flavors to my daily regimen. Get to Walmart, search for that aisle where I never imagined I'd be wheeling my cart for another, oh, say 25 years, and choose either the chocolate or the strawberry, and double my culinary joy. You may think this is a bit overstated, but I actually think a goose bump formed when, low and behold, the most amazing discovery........ Ensure comes in not only the three basic flavors, but my goodness, Dark Chocolate, mixed berry, butter pecan (rejected because it must taste a lot like vanilla), strawberry cream. AND, there is a version called Ensure PLUS which adds another 100 calories to each bottle. Again, while the significance surely would have been lost on me before, so I'm sure you may be wondering why such a thrilling realization, but you have to realize, now in order to hit my magic 1500 daily caloric milestone, I need one less bottle!!!!! Trust me, it matters.

I actually gained a pound overnight. Yeah, I know, porker. I also gained precious energy. Go figure, eat more, get more energy. I also realize that its been two weeks since Chemo. Most of it has run its course, and any residual effects are probably not noticeable. And, the radiation has only had two weeks to accumulate, and although it has restricted my diet significantly, it is certainly bearable. So, my fellow Americans, what this all boils down to is that I am probably feeling better now than I will at any other time during this process. According to my Docs, week three radiation's cumulative effect will start to make itself well known, and in a week, me and chemo session #2 are set to have a throw down. Not really excited about that since his younger brother, chemo #1, was a bit more of a stud than I anticipated. But, the good news is that I will be about half way at that point, so its rounding the corner and heading back home.... there is only "time" between me and hearing those words I long for...... "ok, Mr Kearns (they are so polite) that's the last radiation treatment for you"......

My food list is formulating. Since its basically either soup or Ensure now, I have started thinking about the foods I want first when I can eat again. Authentic Texas BBQ is sure up there. Pizza. Bacon cheeseburger. Chinese fast food. For some reason, not soup. Looking forward to Thanksgiving, for a lot of reasons, but definitely the flavors. If thinking about food could cause weight gain, I think I wouldn't need so many of those dang Ensure bottles.... :)

Hope y'all are enjoying your weekend. Go eat your favorite food, and really take the time to enjoy it. We are all so blessed. We really are. And thanks so much for your wonderful blog sentiments.

It could be worse...... thankfully

Last night didn't go so well. Got a little sideways..... but I think it might have had more to do with not eating as much as I thought I had (what, lettuce isn't the end all be all food source??) and a little dehydration combined with a nauseous stomach snuck up like a mugger and gave me an unexpected hello. Will avoid that street going forward.

I have often thought about the world Hollywood celebs live in, and how their view of "life" is just so unlike the real people of the world. Their fame, and more importantly, their fortune, simply doesn't present the same desperate challenges ordinary folks face every day. Certainly not even in the same stratosphere as their bizarre world, I am very aware of how much easier I have this than so many others. I actually have the luxury of being able to focus practically all of my attention and energy to getting through this and pursue the golden ring of remission. How many others challenged by a similar foe aren't lucky enough to have good insurance to rely on? Have an employer that not only will tolerate an extended absence, but rallies around to support me through the journey? And will be there when I am ready to return? Can afford to be out of work and know that this month's bills will be paid? Have a comfortable home to wage the battle in? And how many find their only companion is loneliness........

Considering my life a series of blessings has never been a foreign concept to me. In fact, for years I have wondered why God has chosen to bless me in the specific ways He has. This new chapter in my life is no different. We all have our unique challenges. I have yet to encounter a situation, that with little imagination, couldn't be envisioned so much worse. Its never as bad as it could be. Someone, somewhere, always has a harder time or a more challenging obstacle.

Granted, realizing this doesn't eliminate all pain and discomfort, but somehow it does make me a stronger competitor. And thankful. And blessed. And so lucky.

Enjoy the long weekend. Be kind to someone. No matter what happens, it could always be worse.

calm before the storm??

Pretty good day today. Best day yet actually. According to my docs, its that period of time where the chemo has run through enough that the associated fatigue has noticeably diminished, and the cumulative effect of the radiation has yet to crest into much of a wave...remaining still far offshore, tsunami dreams dancing somewhere, but still miles from shore. Whatever, all I know is today's increased energy level and absence of discomfort had a VIP seat at the head of my table.

Speaking of table, I did eat more today, and more normal today than any day previous. Started out with experiencing "vanilla" (yuck) ensure thru my lovely, and I'm sure all would agree, quite sexy tube. What a hassle. Will definitely try to delay that again as long as possible. But then ate fairly well and fairly normal. I do notice the change coming though. The normal smoothness of my mouth (no, not my words) has been replaced with a fairly high grit sandpaper. And more foods are losing their taste...or worse, getting a little closer to that dreaded metallic taste, but overall, no complaints.

My goal through this weekend, especially since according to the radiation schedule it might be the best last chance, is to regain some of the weight I lost so far. I thought I ate ok yesterday but lost another pound. Down to 197, that's about 13 pounds from where I was when this started. True, under different circumstances I would love to get closer to that 190 mark, but for now, would like to keep around 200 until I can do it right.

One more treatment tomorrow, then its two weeks down and a three day weekend..... then time to turn up the heat. I will ask if I can take a picture of the radiation treatment, mask and all. Not sure if they will let me, or really if I want any visual reminder (I HATE radiation treatment), but it could help "share" my fun....... and you did want to come along for the ride, right? We'll see....

Oh, and before I go, again, I wish I had the words to express how moving your support continues to be. The messages, especially the blog comments, move me in ways I would have never anticipated. Heck, even getting some of them are surprising enough, but the medicinal, spiritual, emotional lift I get from them are, well, not only indescribable, but priceless in any currency. From the deepest, most genuine and sincere part of my heart, thank you so very much.

We will celebrate this victory one day.

Why me?

Before anyone misinterprets the "why me" as anything remotely resembling its energy sucking cousin "woe is me", I want to clarify..... This "why me" is asking why have I been so blessed. I am surrounded by so many who genuinely care about me and my journey.....and not just out of curiosity, but truly want to join along side in this challenge. Why am I so lucky???

Admittedly, I don't really like relying on anyone for help. Its not that I don't appreciate it, I most certainly do, but I have always just felt more comfortable handling things myself. Don't want to be a burden to anyone. People have their own lives and their own families and certainly don't need my added weight..... but ...... sometimes........ its just too much.

At first that is probably what I feared, getting to that point where I needed help. Short-lived was any ego fueled regret though, and since, it really has been the ever present warm embrace of true caring. I find myself either on the verge of tears, or actually succumbing to them almost anytime I talk about "how things are going"....and I know some might think the emotiuon is based on fear for what lies ahead. So not the case though. In fact, I don't really think alot about the journey ahead too much. No, the emotion that so easily bubbles to the surface is one of appreciation and simply being humbled by my good fortune to be surrounded by so many loving, caring friends and family.....and even those I haven't met yet.

27 radiation treatments and two more chemo sessions to go... and along the way..... no shortage of life-giving, loving bonds that will be forged that I will never be able to repay. Maybe that's the point though, you don't repay, you pass them on....

I am so lucky.

Feeling the strength

I'm 29 again!

Well, only for today. Then 28 tomorrow. Ok, before you think this crazy silent nemesis has crept into my brain, I'm talking about radiation treatments left to go. As of today, I only have 29 more to go.

Doesn't seem like such a big number. And the treatments really only last about 30 minutes.....and while virtually no palpable feeling associated with them at all, I sure don't like them. Maybe its the plastic, all too form-fitted mesh mask that snaps down forcefully, barely allowing even my thoughts to stretch, but whatever, i can't wait until the day when I say goodbye to that spaghetti strainer.

Cooling got fixed!! I think Mother nature celebrated the achievement by sending lower temperatures too. She has such a strange sense of humor.

The last two days have been better for me. Best yet actually. Still more tired than I would have thought, but a marked improvement over the first week. I think starting to focus on getting my caloric intake up each day has helped for sure. More so though, I really believe its the combined effort of so many of you praying and thinking good thoughts for my success in beating this challenge. I have always believed in prayer, at least I thought I did. Always easier to believe in something when actually getting it or not might be indiscernible. Like faith, always easier to profess having it when there really wasn't anything to test it. Guess we will see now over the next couple of months...... but i do believe, and I am forever grateful for all of you who do as well and keep me in your prayers. I know its helping. I know the real tests have yet to come, and certainly are already lickin their chops to have a go at this one...... but we will still be standing when this is done.

Thank you all so very much...... ok, better get ready for my date with 29.......