Working man.....again.

Big day tomorrow. Encouraging sign that progress is positive. I go back to work....

I was thinking today just how long ago it seems that I had to stop working to focus on my treatment and then my recovery. Counting the days, it really isn't even 4 months. Seems like so much longer. Not that I want to sit around and live again the various stages of my journey.... no, the darkest days are best kept slightly out of focus.... I know their memories are there, tucked away should I ever need them (I won't), but deep enough not to be part of my daily consciousness. They weren't very pretty.... my nemeses (ok, and savior) daily radiation and punk chemo, vomiting which was so regular that it just seemed part of my day and stopped being surprising, not sleeping, living through the feeding tube, and the nausea.... no, not pretty. And while going through the darkness, time seemed to stand still.

But helping me through it all were my family and friends. And my faith. Once again God proved never to give me more than I could handle. He also never gave me more than my family and friends could handle by my side. I don't want to even think about what the experience would have been like had I not had such support. Such a blessing.

Getting back to work is huge. I met with my radiation doc a couple days ago and he is very happy with the progress and very optimistic. The PET scan is mid January and that will determine whether surgery is needed, but he thinks it will not be. The tumor in my mouth appears gone now based on the last MRI and both cancerous lymph nodes in my neck seem cancer free at this point. Again, the PET scan will be the true determiner of the state of recovery, but optimism runs high. And working again is just one more sign that the worst is far behind me.

I learned a lot of lessons during this process. Still learning actually. One lesson that easily comes to mind is just how powerful kindness can be. Something we are all capable of sharing, so easily given away to others, always in abundance, and the impact on the receiver so tremendous. Often just a quick text message or a brief email from someone letting me know they were thinking of me and wishing me well was so significant in helping me keep a positive outlook. How often do we think about doing or saying something kind for or to someone, but it doesn't get any further than a thought. It would have been so easy to follow through, but whether we are too busy or shy or unsure whether it will really matter (it always does), the benefit to that other person is lost. I really think kindness is underrated. A simple gesture, a kind word, can turn a persons entire day around positively. And the domino effect is contagious. Just do it. Worth the effort?

Ok, got to get ready for work tomorrow. A little piece of normal back into an otherwise very abnormal 2009......ahhhh, I like normal.

Have a great week. Now go be kind to someone. :)

gettin thru it.......

Been a little quiet lately. Recovery is progressing, although a bit slower than I would like, at least it continues in the right direction. Finding a few more foods here and there that I can eat. Definitely a big improvement from not all that long ago.

December 14 is back to work day. Seems like such a long time ago, and at the same time, not all that long ago that I stopped working to take on this challenge. Quite the journey, and although it has been one that given the choice I would have skipped, it has really turned out to be a blessing in many ways. I discovered I had friends that I didn't know I had, and friends that were much better friends than I considered before this ordeal. A loving, supportive family that really stepped up when needed, such a cherished discovery.

And believe it or not, I think I have grown to actually like Ensure! It remains a part of my daily intake, but more by choice than necessity now. Go figure.....

As might be expected, throughout this journey I have met, or been told about, many going through similar challenges. So often I hear about someone having a treatment time frame so much longer than mine. While mine was very intense while it lasted, probably the most aggressive treatment protocol offered, it did only last a few months. Not uncommon for others are time frames many months long, and at times over a year. I can't imagine going thru that for so long. I am blessed once again.

Christmas is coming. Such a happy, joyful time for most of us, as it should be. Especially this year though, with the economic climate what it is, this will be a challenging time for many as well. If you ever thought about cleaning out your closets or storage areas and getting rid of items that you just never use, now would be a good time. That extra coat could sure be a lifesaver to someone. There are so many options to help distribute those extra items...Salvation Army, Goodwill, local Churches..... we just need to take the first step. I am great at finding ways to procrastinate...I know I need to act, and really want to... but before I know it, the time has past. If I'm going to help others this Christmas, now is the time to get moving. Maybe you have some excess that could help others too? :)

Have a great week! Thanks again for all your support. I pray this Christmas season is special to all of you...and let's help make it the best ever to someone less fortunate.

God bless you.

Happy, wonderful, awesome Thanksgiving.....

Got my results from the MRI test I had yesterday. Very positve, encouraging results. Of course the PET scan in January will be the definitive test, and the ongoing monthly monitoring tests will be important to ensure the course has not changed, but this MRI test is the first significant opportunity to see who was winning this battle...... and the smart money is on me!!

Cutting through all the medical-ese, the general assessment is that at this point there is no need for any further treatment, everything looks "good", and essentially seems the cancer has high-tailed out of here. Good thing too because I was about to open another can of...well, you know... :)

In all seriousness, thanks to all for the prayer and support throughout this ordeal. I really think the corner has been turned. I am getting stronger everyday and my appetite is certainly challenging my body to keep up. I am starting to taste a little more and there seems daily to be more and more I can try to eat. God truly is blessing my recovery and I am very confident now that we are on the right path, a healing path.

Have a wonderful, thankful Thanksgiving. No matter what challenges we find in our path, not only could it easily be so much worse, but we also have countless reasons to feel blessed and thankful for the hand we have been dealt. We really are so lucky. And those challenges....somehow, we will get through them all. May not be in the way we imagined, or preferred, and the outcome may look very different than we hoped or imagined......but in the end, it still always works out. This life is a blessing, but still only temporary. Nothing is too great to handle when we trust God has our back....and we count on our friends and family as well.

Thank you all from the bottom of my healthy heart.

Leaving my comfort zone.......

A bit of another milestone today. Dinner at Mickey D's. Up to today, my meals were almost exclusively still Ensure. I have managed to get eggs down and occasionally, some link sausage. Oh, and of course, soup. Cup of noodles and Ramen this week, which really is glorified soup, just without the nutrition. I have wanted to try the long awaited, much savored, burger at McDonald's, but I realized today that part of the reason I haven't tried it yet was out of fear. Sure, until recently, it was because I just couldn't do it physically. But the last day or two I think I probably could at least try, but for some reason I kept gravitating back to my comfort zone of Ensure. It was just safer and there was always tomorrow....

So, once I realized that part of my reluctance was just being afraid to try, afraid to venture into the unsafe, discomfort zone, I decided to try. And, happy to report that I could eat a quarter pounder (no bun and I did share a little bit with tommy, my dog), some fries, and the fish in their fish sandwich. Swallowing heavily supported with constant swigs of ice tea, but got it down all the same. Not as comfortable as Ensure, but it was nice to get just that much closer to normal life.

In between bites, I did think about other areas that I let fear of leaving my comfort zone dictate my actions....and how at times they can actually be to the detriment of others. How often I have been stopped at a red light and noticed a card board sign toting fellow human being experiencing hard times and in need of a little help. Even a few bucks could make the difference of him (or her) getting something to eat. Did I have the money to give? Of course I could spare a buck or two. But I found it much more comfortable to come up with any number of reasons (excuses) for why my window never went down and the money never left my pocket. The light will be turning before I get it to him (it never turns that quickly), he looks too well dressed to really need the money (there is a minimum dress code now for needing help?), he looks too grungy he must be mental (isn't that the perfect candidate for help?), I don't have the right change (ok, so he gets a five instead...). I realize none of these are valid "reasons", I'm just not comfortable with the process. But why not? And ultimately he loses out on the help I could surely give...... help he really needs in most cases. Thank God, literally, that others have helped me when they haven't been totally comfortable with the act. Driving me to treatment I'm sure wasn't always convenient or comfortable, but I sure needed the help. Sitting by my side, watching me vomit endlessly... yeah, that's a lot of fun to sit thru.......

And, like anything else, leaving my comfort zone is only difficult until I do it a few times. I remember growing up, and learning to ride a bike, or a jet ski, or a motorcycle....and later in life, skydiving, scuba diving or learning to fly a plane..... all of these actions were very uncomfortable at first. But with repetition and practice, they became second nature. Wouldn't the best comfort zone to get comfortable stepping outside of be the one that allowed me to help others more easily? And since its just practice in doing so that would cure the uneasiness, of course I need to try. I bet I'm not the only one who has wanted to help someone at some point, but found it easier to come up with "reasons" why it would have to wait until next time....

Thanksgiving sounds like the perfect season to start......... And with as much as I have to be thankful for this year, I'm sure I have enough to share....

Have a great week. Give thanks for all the blessings you enjoy. And push yourself to step outside and share when you can...... it will get easier, and that can only be a good thing.

Dog Days of Recovery......

Recovery is progressing. Sleeping a little better finally. Throat not quite as sore as it was. Trying a few more foods....but soup and, of course Ensure, still are clear leaders. As recovery drags along, and the memory of the painful times grow more distant, I wonder if I possibly take some of the lessons learned for granted.... I sure hope not.

I also wonder if that's not what might happen throughout life. I've learned lessons, and they are influential, but then after time it takes a significant event to remind me of what I learned earlier. Sometimes its good to simply be reminded. But other times it might be too late. Clearly it would be worthwhile to try and remind myself often of the lessons I found compelling throughout my life, long before it might be too late.

My recovery is slower than I would like. But it isn't hard to remember days not long ago that I could barely dream of even being where I am now. It is all relative. But I have to make it relative good. And realize just how blessed it really is. Certainly always be thankful for all of it. Everyday. Because it could always be worse.....

Have a blessed and thankful day. Remember your own life lessons. And be kind to someone.

Miles and Miles of Milestones.......

Encouraging day today.

Met with my Doc for a check up and one of my least favorite exams, the throat scope. It does allow him to see down my throat and the back of the tongue, which I learned today will occur every month for the next year, so it is helpful to monitor the progress and continued recovery. But picture a fiber optic tube, sized bigger than a juice box straw and slightly smaller than a pencil...and having it inserted up through the nose and run all the way down the throat. Lovely.

Anyway, the outcome was very positive. Hit one milestone today, and a few others are coming shortly. Today the Doc determined that the throat looked clean and there was no longer any visible sign of the tumor. He palpated my neck and said he no longer could feel any sign of the cancerous lymph nodes. Awesome news. Sure, the scan will tell the real story, but this was a great start.

The next milestone will be tomorrow when I get the feeding tube out! I was expecting more resistance from the Doc when I said I didn't need it anymore (I don't, haven't used it in a week.), but he said fine, schedule the appointment. Hope I didn't bump him too hard as I raced past him to the scheduling desk. Heck, who am I fooling....this wimpy 177 pound frame would lose a tug-o-war with a soft breeze.

In about 2 weeks, November 24th, I will have an MRI scan. I am hopeful this will also be a milestone and that the results will be as positive as today's. Power of prayer and positive thinking.......and any help greatly appreciated. :)

So, today is a day to say Thank God. I mean that literally....thank you God. Blessings by the mile.

Progress.....Irish style

Well, would you look at that....Guinness, Lamb stew, soda bread.......I thought that guy was supposed to be sick?!

Ok, well, the truth is that I really only could get down a few bites of the stew, and mostly the carrots at that. The soda bread, a little dry to begin with anyway, didn't have a chance. And salad?! That's for girls.... But I did get half the Guinness down (yes, I know, penalty to pay for leaving half a Guinness....) and it even tasted a little like Guinness. So I guess this is progress. I realize I have a long way to go yet, but just to be able to consume anything other than Ensure is a step in the right direction, no matter how little. And not through the tube at that!! Now I need to focus on putting a little of that lost 33 pounds back on and get rid of that look of death I seem to carry around now.....no, its not my Halloween costume.

Went on a hike today. Had visions of taking on some hills, but ended up staying flat and not going as far as I wanted. But it was a hike, and that's progress too. I have to admit, there was a moment when I was tired, that I let a few thoughts creep in like "when is this ever going to be over"...."why did this have to happen to me"......."how different my life is because of this and I'm so tired of this"....... but thankfully it was just for a moment. Thankfully I remembered that it could be so much worse. For one, it could be something permanent. Mine will be over one day, and one day sooner than later now, so that is such a blessing. I will get my stamina back, and my strength. But what about those that suffer a permanent change? I am still self-sufficient, but what about those that suffer a change than not only is permanent, but renders them dependant on others just to get through the day? I can't imagine. I don't want to imagine. I am just thankful that my life lesson has a time frame less than the rest of my life and in the grand scheme of things, is relatively short. Not my life, the lesson. But life is short too, so focusing on whats really important takes on a whole new meaning when we realize just how fragile and uncertain our lives here on earth really are. I can get through this, certainly with the help of y'all's support, and it will run its course. Such a blessing. And an education.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm glad to go through this. But I can honestly say that the lessons I have learned will at least make it a meaningful experience.....and one I will certainly remember forever. I will also remember forever the love and support from all of you. Such a blessing, thank you so much.

Mind getting ahead of the body.....

Getting better by the day. Just not as fast as I would like....or as fast as my mind thinks I am most of the time. I wouldn't say I have cravings for any particular food (ok, except Elephant & Castle wings in Dublin....), just a growing desire to eat normal food. I am very lucky so far....the chocolate Ensure tastes mostly like chocolate. And the Vanilla tastes like Vanilla (unfortunately??). Still get the metallic taste periodically, but nowhere near as often as before. Not sure why, but I just haven't had the confidence to progress past chicken noodle soup yet. Maybe soon.

In my mind, I am recovering pretty quickly. But then, out of somewhere I don't want to become too familiar with, I will get hit with nausea again. Or some ache or queasy feeling that seems distantly familiar. I know its just part of still being on the road to recovery as opposed to the end, and its still quite early according to the doctor's timeline, but have you ever noticed how many food commercials there are on TV?! One of those realizations that doesn't really hit until you can't eat. :)

Get my dog back this weekend. He will be 14 months old on Wednesday. Should make recovery take on a entirely new twist......

Life is wonderful....be thankful for all we have....now go out and be kind to someone. ;)

at any speed...its still progress...positively

Still moving in the right direction. Not as fast as I would like, but I think that is more about me just being tired with this whole ordeal and not that I'm behind the schedule envisioned by my doctors. I have been able to maintain at least one ensure a day by mouth, and yesterday, even had an entire can of soup orally. Today two ensures plus all my meds by mouth. Getting there.....

I realized earlier today just how much a positive attitude can influence my actual health. Early on, when this battle first ensued, I was very positive. I thought I maintained that positive attitude throughout but came to realize that I might have fallen a little short of that goal. Its been quite the experience so its understandable why that might happen, and the pain and struggle were all very real....but I came to realize today that some of it might just be in my head now.

So, I decided to take the positive attitude back and make it part of my game plan. Rather than walk a bit bent over with my head tilted down because that had been the posture of choice to deal with the throat pain, I decided to stand tall, walk with a purpose, and actually tell myself that I was feeling good. Guess what.....I felt better. Rather than sit still and be in touch with every feeling, good or bad, in my being, I decided to get up and move and just assume I would feel good. Guess what...I felt better. And even though its not pain free yet, I decided that I really needed to try and consume more orally and use my tube less. So today, not only two ensures by mouth so far, but also all my meds and I'm getting ready to try soup #2. It will be fine because I think it will be fine.

We all hear about the power of positive thinking. And it sounds good. But making the decision to actually put it in practice, might seem easier said than done. But its not, you just have to will it to occur. How often do we tell ourselves we feel tired? Or we don't feel very well? Or we really don't want to go to school or work today? Or we really would rather not help that person or go to that event......there are so many times when we create a negative aura simply because we think that way. I know I was, and you might be too, very surprised at just how much positive impact a positive attitude can have on almost any situation.

Anyway, I already feel further along on my recovery pace simply because I think I am. Maybe there is something that is weighing you down a bit that could be lightened simply by telling yourself its not so heavy. Worth a try possibly?

OK, time for soup. And maybe a turkey leg......ok, maybe a bit too positive too soon. :)

Have a great, positive week.

big day today.......

Hit a major milestone today.

I drank an Ensure today. By mouth. The entire bottle.....and guess what flavor it was? Yup, you guessed it, vanilla. Lovely vanilla. I don't care, it was huge. You might not think its such a big deal, but its been well over a month since I could do that. Maybe longer. Not sure why, but it actually brought tears to my eyes and this time not related to pain.

Its not much....then again, yes it is. Huge. And its a start. But I still don't care much for vanilla.....except today.

God bless you.

one small sip at a time......

Progress is being made.

Might be very slow, but I can actually feel improvement. Major milestones really...... started to swallow again. Last couple of days have been able to take drinks of water. Had my first sip of soup. Only one sip, maybe two, and my mouth wasn't quite ready yet, but at least I was able to do it. The unexpected body reflex swallows (I didn't even know I did that until this experience....did you?) still hurt, but not nearly as much as before. Went for a hike yesterday. Well, more like a walk on an unpaved road, but all the same, still exercise. Two hours at that (ok, it should have taken half that time), so I really am feeling optimism is warranted.

I have my first post-treatment appointment with my rad doc today. I think its just to check on my progress and to answer any questions, but I am hoping he isn't surprised by anything he sees. Another scan isn't scheduled for a while yet, but I am going to ask why not sooner. Last time we spoke he said the first two weeks wouldn't produce much improvement, but after that things should change. Well, today is the end of the second week, so I guess grocery shopping is on the agenda for tomorrow..... ok, maybe not quite yet.

All in all, I am feeling better. And the better I feel..... the further I get from the pain... the more this experience is a memory.... even more blessed I feel about the life with which I have been gifted. So lucky. I remember thinking 2009 was going to be a great year. Didn't expect this, but it still is a great year in ways I never imagined. Even more so, 2009 Thanksgiving will be very special. As will Christmas. And 2010 is gonna be an awesome year!!!!

Count your blessings my dear friends...... now go be kind to someone.

jesus didn't tap, neither did mom....

My mom died 2 years ago and the anniversary of passing was 2 days ago. I have so many memories of my mom (dad too, but that's another wonderful story). She was a very special woman, just ask anyone who ever was blessed enough to meet her, and as a mother, there was nothing more we could have asked for.

My mom struggled most of her adult life with manic depression. She actually was afflicted with it before the medical world really understood what it really was. As a result, our family experienced challenges unique compared to any of our friends. Sometimes embarrassing. Far more often the experience gave us a chance to see an amazing man, my father, never, ever leave her side. And we had a chance to watch a woman's faith grow to such an extreme level, Saint like really..... and how she never blamed God, questioned why her, and simply, consistently, offered her suffering quietly up to God. She knew what Jesus had done for her on the cross, so in her mind, it was the least she could do as appreciation.

I was always impressed with my mom's strength through her trying times. But this recent ordeal I am blessed to experience has allowed me to appreciate her even more. For those of you who may not be familiar with Ultimate Fighting, sorry for the tap reference. But tapping in UF is a way to quit a fight, to give up. Jesus certainly had the power to tap and avoid the entire cross nailing thing. Mom may not have been able to avoid her destiny, but she could have tapped and spent the rest of her time feeling sorry for herself or blaming others, particularly God. She was a fighter, and she never, ever considered tapping. She endured her intense, long-lasting ordeal with such dignity, such grace, and such reverence for Jesus, that it set the standard for me.

I'm not for a moment saying my journey has resulted in me being able to emulate my mother. She just set the bar and all I can do is try to shoot for that throughout this....and any future ordeal. I wouldn't even suggest my journey compares nearly to what she endured for a much longer period of time. I am saying that with such a wonderful example, there was no way I could ever tap this time either.

God bless my mom. She was truly a gift to many. And God bless all of you, also a gift to many, and certainly me.

My brother Pat has a much better tribute to my mom on his blog. If you care to see it, it can be found at:

http://deacon-pat.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-moms-aniversary-entrance-into-heaven.html

Ending week 1.....

Yikes.... as I wrote that title, it took me back many weeks to the end of the first week of my treatment. I would like to say I barely recall what that was like.....would "like" to say.......but I remember it vividly. I was going to be this tough guy and skate through week 1, pretty sure would get through week 2 without much challenge, and then gear up for the ensuing weeks when I fully expected to hold my own. Yeah, right. By day 2 I was getting my ample arse kicked, and by the end of the week I knew this was going to be much more than I ever anticipated.

So, while recalling those days still requires no effort, fortunately now we can start dealing with the weeks following treatment. Working with the knowledge that the first two weeks will result in little improvement, the actual progress has been a little better than none at all. The nausea seems to be relatively under control now, but I do find the vicoden to still provide more relief than I would like it to. Only one week into recovery, and no, I don't mean from vicoden addiction (I am very careful about that), I am hopeful that week two will continue to provide at lease some positive progress...... and then I hope to really get ready for Thanksgiving. No real food for a couple of months can't erase 50 years of practice. Although it did erase most of that ample arse I mentioned earlier.......let's see how long that lasts. :)

I do catch myself though when I think about getting back to "normal"..... just how different my normal is from many others. I am surrounded by cupboards filled with food that I can't eat now, but will be able to at some point. I have a roof over my head and money to pay my bills....and insurance to pay the ones I would struggle to cover. Not a day goes by that I don't see someone on some street corner, with their cardboard sign, asking for food, or money or help of some sort. I think about all the others that don't know where their next meal will come from or even how they will get through the day. And how many can't name a single friend they have or can count on..... Yeah, this has been a very trying ordeal battling this cancer thing...but it will be over soon. For many others, their battle never ends. Thanksgiving is coming soon, but we should all make every day a Thanksgiving day....and then help someone when we can. And its probably more often than we do or even think we can. We are so blessed. I am more than I ever knew.

Ok, vicoden time. And bring on week #2!!!!

God bless y'all.

one more day at a time, but a better one....

Looks like the corners being turned in this recovery phase are a little more rounded, a little smoother than those razor sharp edges in the treatment phase. I know its only been a couple days removed from those darkest of days endured this past week, but I have to think, have to hope that these are the start of the much anticipated road back to good health.

There is still quite a ways to go, yes I know....like being able to actually swallow anything..... being able to stop with the meds, especially vicoden.... have a "meal" that doesn't go through a tube..... sleep more than an hour without gagging myself awake..... and a number of other milestones. BUT it sure is nice to have nausea a distant, infrequent visitor as opposed to being my shadow. And even though my energy level lasts in durations measured in minutes, that's better than none at all. I now can actually feel what getting better might be like because I think I have started on that specific path finally. ahhhhhhhh.........

I guess I should let this upcoming week unwrap itself before I think I might be ahead of the doc's predicted 2 week time frame for starting to feel better, but after almost 2 months, sorry if I'm a bit anxious. Ok, let me slow down a bit and just let y'all know more this week. :):)

Have a great week everyone. Be kind to someone. As always and for always....thanks so very much for all your prayers and support. My life is forever changed because of both.

Holy Moly

Wow. Sure didn't expect the intensity of this last rumble in the jungle with king chemo.....yes formerly known as punk chemo.....but have to give respect where earned. I knew that the cumulative effects of 34 radiation sessions and the three chemo sessions would add up to a bigger, badder version of the bully...... but two words.....Holy Moly.

I know it could still have been worse...and I know there are many, many others who endure far deeper suffering than I can even imagine..... so I will still refrain from comparing my week long descent into Helk with a journey anywhere near venturing into "Hell"....but I can say with complete certainty that I never, ever want to test Hell.

The good news is that I have now completed the treatment phase, both radiation and chemo, and now the recovery phase can begin. Doc says there is still probably about two weeks where the cumulative effects will still work their magic, so any really improvement in comfort is still a couple weeks away, but just knowing that I have touched the halfway mark on the playground and now can run back to the starting point is a good feeling. And, each day can only get "mo bettah", and frankly, it is. Next goal is to try and sleep at night. So far, 1-2 hours is the max before I have to get up and "cough up" the build up (purposefully cryptic description...), but that should get better in the next couple weeks too.

I still am going for daily hydration. Sort of a trade off for not getting any caloric intake for several days. I do need to start getting the calories back. I think the official weight loss topped out at somewhere between 25-30 pounds. Its just that this last week, anytime I could even get some in thru the tube, it was only moments and it came back up. Not pretty, so use your imagination if you feel the need. I think I'll pass.

Anyway, while at hydration, which takes place in the same place as any other infusion...like chemo.... I am surrounded by people at varying stages of their treatment. Many just where I was 7 weeks ago. I feel for them. They have no idea what to expect. Not sure what I would or could say to help. Still processing it all myself. But I was asked I would help with support groups, so I will figure something out.

There is one cumulative effect far stronger than anything radiation and chemo can piece together, and that's the cumulative impact that caring, loving, supportive people can wrap like a blanket around someone going through this. I still don't know how I would have gotten this far without the tremendous blessing God graced me with. Thank y'all so very, very much. I know I'm not done yet, but I also know you aren't either. I can't wait to get this chapter finished, but the book is far from completed......and that is a good thing.

God Bless all of you.

Familiar place...but with a twist...

Seems pretty consistent these days 3-6 post chemo. Definitely the darkest. First couple of days were like the typical feeling out, give and take positioning between two opponents who respected each other, but were both intent on getting down to it. There will only be one winner, and since this is the final bout, its for the title. There will be no rematch.

I think punk chemo used his cohort rads to help with a little sneaky tug to get my one not so well planted foot which was on solid ground...to slip over and now both are squishing around in the muck of nausea lake. And I'm sure doing my fair share of chumming......But what they both have overlooked is that I only have two more days of treatment and then my entire focus is getting better. Recovery.

Will resurface soon. Got to keep my head in this fight, rounds aren't over quite yet. But, no worries, WE will prevail.

We will stand tall and know we fought an honorable fight. You and me. Thank you so much, I couldn't have done it without your love and support.

Ok, come on punk chemo, let's go.........

walking that fine line......

A bit eerie this morning..... last night too. Fully geared up mentally to pad up, descend to the depths of helk with punk chemo, invite his cohort rads to join in, and let the best man win. I'm ready, but not quite sure where he is. There are signs that he has checked in the neighborhood.

Surprisingly calm night last night. Low level electrical current flowed through my body all night, causing a very alluring desire to not move a single muscle fibre and embrace to overwhelming calmness....afraid that even a twitch could bring the dreamlike state crashing down, but i didn't move and the only concern was wondering what punk chemo was planning. Cunning strategist, I have to give him that.

Walking that fine line this morning. One foot planted on calm terrain, the other dipping into the nauseous waters lapping just just close within reach to get my foot wet and let me know it was always there. Will they stay at ground level and will this IV I am hooked up to provide the hydration geared at helping to chase away punk chemo faster..... or will this really be his warm up and its still helk for us anyway. Since this is the last battle with him anyway, whatever, I'm here to stay, his temp visa is expiring in days......... but if he would like to take on a kinder, gentler approach and part as the life saving friend he really is, ok by me. Truth be told, I love him for helping to save my life. Rads too.

I heard that my last 4 radiation treatments will be boost treatments. Odd name for them because it means that they are reducing the size of the radiation fields. This is good news for a few reasons: 1) the tumors are responding and I don't need as much radiation, 2) less radiation should feel better, and most important 3) I'm reaching the end of treatment and can finally start the recovery phase. Not sure the exact duration for recovery, and there are many milestones throughout the process, but it will last at least as long as the treatment period. Unlike treatment though, as I progress through the process, I will feel better and better.

Not sure I would want to work in a place like this. Sure, helping people would be rewarding. But the constant cycling in and out, new faces, old faces, young faces that start looking older far too soon. Pain, clearly present on the faces of some, and on others, etched into lines on their face from battles fought much longer than mine. Our minds have a wonderful way of compartmentalizing the trials we face. Time really does play a huge role in our coping with challenges. 7 weeks ago I really couldn't see this far down the road. If i dared to dream past that day, once or twice i might have thought about getting through September. But then stopped as there was just too much to get through daily. Well, hello October. And although I will never forget the details of this journey, they certainly don't seem as bad from even this distance. I really am blessed though, others have it far worse than I ever will. I thank God everyday for being gentle with me. And for making it abundantly clear how he manifested His love for me in the form of surrounding me with so many loving and caring souls. I will always want to repay those who put their lives on hold to help me.... but as i mentioned before, i think that gift is one designed not to be repaid, but to be passed on. A touch, a kind word, a simple loving gesture of assistance, a smile, trying to understand that the mean stranger (or maybe not even a stranger at all but someone close) who snapped or cut you off in the fast lane, probably is dealing with a lot of junk at the moment and just needs a boost.

Our lives are really wonderful and full of so many blessings. All to often we get mired in what really are trivial matters, or ego driven feeling of lack of appreciation or disrespect, or simply not taking the time to look for the good, which almost always can be found if we look hard enough. Or even just trying to understand that the person you are irritated with might be dealing with something far more serious than we know, and we need to be more compassionate. I know it can be a big change for some, but I have found that it can really be as simple as starting each day with thanking God for giving me another day, then expecting the day to turn out well and be the blessing it is, and when challenges come, embrace them as the test they are to trust and look for the good....because somewhere in every challenge, there will be good. Just have to look for it. And never forget, there is no situation that couldn't be worse, so be thankful for the hand you have been dealt.

Now go make someone smile. We are almost there with this little challenge. And I really mean "we"...... thank you so very much.

ok, where is he?

Round 1 with chemo caught me off guard. I didn't know what to expect, and he gave me much more than I prepared for. Round 2 I was much more ready, and spending a few days in Helk wasn't pretty, but right where I thought we would be. I will be generous and call it a draw. Now, round 3 was yesterday, and I was fully prepared for battle royal..... but where is the punk? relatively calm night last night, and nothing out of the ordinary so far today. So Far. So far. I know he's lurking out there somewhere though. Come on, let's just get this over with, ok?


Radiation..... 30 down, 4 more to go. Tuesday next week, the "don't let the door hit you on the backside on your way out and don't come back" love song I have waited so long to hear should be playing loud and clear. Still got to get the all clear from the docs, but I am expecting no less. And no other disk is in the jukebox, so no song substitutions.


Want to see a little more of my radiation world.....



Assuming the position.....

Bring it on Rad Man!

Mask me.....


Rosary time... Lose 25 pounds and still fat!! I want my money back......


Ok, well hope that gives you a little glimpse into my recent world. I will save you from the more gory aspects like hacking blood, vomiting, and all the other lousy parts of these past almost 7 weeks. Rather, let's celebrate beating this thing....and know we did it together. Because we really did do it together. I couldn't have done it without the combined love and support of everyone. More on that later....better wait until I actually get the clean bill of health verdict...... but we are close, and I am not a patient man. More now than ever before though, so see...another fist for my list.

Have a great day all. Make someone smile.

Final Chemo...Getting closer.....

One milestone reached today. Final chemo. well, its underway as I type. I am hoping that after the first two encounters with punk chemo, that maybe we can part ways with a little more civility this time. I am definitely willing....just not so sure he is. We'll see over the next few days I guess. He might be a little more cooperative if he was on his own, but since he also has to get radiation to buy in on the kinder, gentler approach, I am thinking probably not. Fine. Whatever.

After today, just 5 more radiation treatments. The cumulative effects have really started to take their toll. Very hard to swallow even the tiniest sips of water. Mouth is very sore all the time. Vomiting is routine. Actually look forward to it because I know its coming, and i feel better right after. Bizarre. Fortunately I can take almost everything by feeding tube. But I still have to take certain pills by mouth. Most are small, so its possible. It is interesting though that the pill I take for mucus buildup is about the size of my little toe. Why? Who thinks that would be ok to design a pill to be so large when the most common user would be someone who was struggling to swallow in the first place?! I eventually get it down, and it is good for 12 hours, but what a side show trying to swallow it. The pain dance I do after competes with River Dance........ but at least I get relief. And anyone watching gets entertainment.....

I'm not sure what the next few weeks will be like, but it will sure be nice to stop the destruction (yes, I know its actually saving me, but it does feel like its destroying my mouth) and start the healing process. I'm not expecting it to be speedy, but I am expecting it to be eventual for sure. I cant wait to eat real food again. And coffee. And wine. And of course.... Guinness. All in due time. But I can promise that once I can, and once I can actually taste it again..... boy will I cherish each and every drop. Just a matter of time....

Thanks again for all your love and support. Could not have done this without it.

Gearing up for Week 7!

Week 7. Finally here. Get this one behind me and then just 2 days next week until those long awaited words....."ok kevin, that's your last treatment.....".

These last several days have been all they were billed to be, yucky. The cumulative effect of the radiation has been building for some time now, and combined with the chemo, well, I just want to get this over with.

I have heard that one thing almost every cancer fighter remembers is the day they learned of their diagnosis. Supposedly this is a date that is never forgotten, and the anniversary celebrated annually. Honestly, I really don't know when that was for me. I looked back, and I think it was August 5. Not sure that date will really hold that much significance to me. As far as I am concerned, that was a date on which I learned that I was destined for a pretty challenging journey, with no guaranteed outcome. But far more memorable for me will be the actual journey in pursuit of recovery. And of course, the day I finished treatment. So maybe October 13 will be the date I "celebrate" every year (yes, remaining optimistic here....)

Assuming all goes well, having completed the challenging journey of the treatment phase is certainly worthy of a celebration....and one to repeat every year. But a far greater reason to celebrate each year....and actually, everyday.... are the life lessons learned through this ordeal. Friends, family, relationships are priceless. All too often they are undervalued, taken for granted, left to whither on the vine based on the ridiculous assumption that they can be revived "tomorrow". I continue to be humbled by the caring and concern expended on my behalf. I simply never would have imagined people caring the way they do. That will be cherished everyday, and definitely celebrated every anniversary.

And, of course, the importance of faith. Trusting God and the promise that He has me safely in His hands. I can sincerely say, not once have I feared the outcome of this journey. Or questioned it. That is a blessing in and of itself.

I did have a scan the other day and was able to meet with my docs to get an update on my "progress". Apparently they are satisfied that all is progressing as hoped and the schedule will not change. They tend to downplay everything, but what I take from that is good news. Treatment should finish on October 13, and then recovery starts. With daily thanks continuing forever.

Have a great weekend everyone. We are turning that final corner.

wrist bands are here

Please forgive me for sounding presumptuous about thinking anyone would want to wear a wrist band, but I do know of a few of you that do. I know some want to protect their privacy, addresses, etc.... so, best way would probably be to send me an email with your address and how many you want, and I will send them to you. Email address to use is kkearns@ebay.com.

For those of you who are local, you can get them anytime and save me postage. :)

Thanks again to all who continue to amaze me with your caring and support. WE are almost there.

Ensure Fast?!....Better than shaving your heads......

Ensure fast....very cool. And a much better idea for those who really want to walk along in spirit than to share in my hair loss. Although the comedic value of a number of shiny noggins could bring smiles for a long time, honestly, I would feel much better just sharing stories with those who get to experience the wholesome, culinary delicacy in a bottle. Wonder how many will be vanilla..... :)

I was very excited going to treatment today. After today the countdown number was supposed to be 8 more treatments. Oh, and yes, one more battle royal, ultimate fighting, death cage match with punk chemo..... so much for my negotiating skills. Truth be told, I didn't fight too hard, as much as I hate the thought of another round, it is increasing my odds for a successful outcome, so what's a few more days in Helk. Anyway, after being strapped in the radiation machine for what seemed like an hour (really probably 25 minutes), I was told to go home, that the machine was down and wouldn't be back up until tomorrow. Which means adding another day. Only one day, yes I know.....but I was so focused on hitting that finish line on October 12. Looks like lucky #13 it will be. And since recovery will take a while, one day will get lost in the overall mix soon enough anyway......but the days have been getting more challenging, so the last one still can't come soon enough.

Thanks again for all your support. And thanks to those who try an ensure or two, nice gesture. Hopefully not too far off and we cans witch it to Guinness. For those less adventurous but who might want to take part in a much more fashion forward expression, I think I have some wristbands coming. They say kevin beats cancer and are probably green and black. If anyone has any interest, just let me know and I can send your collectors item. :)

OK, time for my friends vicoden and anti-nausea meds...... better than counting sheep. Speaking of counting though, count your blessings.....start early though, the list is long I'm sure. Have a great day.

The countdown begins.....

Ok, I suppose the countdown actually began several weeks ago when I started this treatment journey. But trying to imagine so many days yet to go, and not knowing for sure what challenges those days would present, it seemed better to just take it day by day. Looking back, that was the only way as my various opponents were just too formidable to look past them to the next game.... In fact, the past several days have been the most challenging yet. The nausea just seems to think it has become a welcome constant companion. Just as soon as the food gets "tubed" in, it seemed to want to keep going up, up and away. Thankfully my floor is clean since that is where I find myself much of the time.

Even so, I just can't help thinking of those others less fortunate who have the same affliction, but no where near the same access to world class medical care. Who can't find even the infrequent relief offered by the pain and nausea meds that I have in abundance. I often flash back to the volunteer trip my brother Tim and I made to Kenya a few years ago and how so many lived in little tin metal "tents", with dirt (mud most of the time) floors and no indoor plumbing. It was tough when they were healthy. I don't want to imagine what this experience would be like if even a portion of that storyline was introduced in the mix. Just so so lucky. And blessed.

But now, with today's treatment completed, I only have 10 more to go. After tomorrow, single digits. Sure, still might have to visit Helk one more time to finish my battle with punk chemo (I say might because I am lobbying to skip it.....and they aren't saying "no" just yet.....but my hopes aren't high for a successful negotiation...), but I think I can now start to see the remaining distance in the tunnel. Even if the rest of my days are like these past ones.....bring it on. The tic toc is getting louder.......

Recovery is a big unknown at this point. How long before I regain a semblance of normal saliva production? How long before I find something that tastes like its not made of metal....and then not cardboard.....and then maybe even close to what I remember it should taste like? How long before I can swallow? How long before I have to say bon voyage to my sexy feeding tube? So many questions...... but boy I can't wait to have those as the focus of my quest.

Does it sound like maybe I left out the question of whether the treatment was successful or not? Well, that's intentional...... there is no other option. None. So why bother asking. :)

Keep the prayers and well wishes coming...you will never fully know how much that has meant to me. Nothing short of everything.

Rip Van Winkleesque

Started sliding the man hole cover back this morning.....finally confident enough to peek out over the edge. Not sure where I went this past....well, gosh, over a week I see since I last wrote. I would be overstating it if I said I went to Hell for a while. As you probably know by now, I can always find a way to envision anything being better than it could be...... So I don't think I made it to Hell. I think that destination should be reserved for those who really suffer. But I know I went way past Heck. Is there a place called Helk? Pretty sure I went to Helk.

Today is the last day of week 5. Week 5! Seems so long ago I couldn't see the end of September and now we are almost there. The time is flying. And its not. This past week I swear all clocks seemed stalled on whatever time it was at that moment. Was I dreaming? Does Helk suspend time while breathing its metallic tasting air? (more on that another time, but how can everything taste like metal?!) I don't know but for the first time in my life, I really did just look forward to the next hour coming and going....and coming and going...... (see, another first on my new list...)

As bad as it got, it was so easy to remember how lucky I was though because I had hope....so many don't. I know this is temporary. I know I will get better. I know this will be but a memory at some point and I will still have a wonderful, God Blessed life, with far more than I will ever deserve. How many people have no hope? How many struggle with challenges that are not temporary? Please forgive me if so often I gravitate back to this mindset, but please....please..... take inventory of all you have to be thankful for. I promise you the list is long. Every little aspect is important, don't gloss over those....and when you spend a few moments each day, and I hope you do, reflecting on just how lucky we all are..... how can any of us not be just a little happier? And hopefully appreciative.

Thanks so much to everyone who have continually walked by my side through this journey. I feel your presence, I really do. We are getting closer.

Please enjoy your weekend. Appreciate those who love you, your friends, they really are a blessing. So are you. Be kind to someone.

Ok, radiation time......and then week 5 is in the can!!

Tic Toc

The fog was supposed to be lifting by now....

The dust was supposed to be settling.....

I know it could be much worse.

I know it could be much worse.

I know it could be much worse.

Still sucks.

you might be saving my life, but i dont care much for you right now.....

You again.

Fortunately, seems like quite a while since we last met. I knew you would be back though. And while you surprised me with your sneak attack last time, you're gonna have to work harder this time pal.....

Hanging there in your little plastic bag, dripping ever so inconspicuously, acting so innocent, like you mean no harm..... but i know the power of your punch. Maybe I underestimated you last time, but I am ready for you this time sucker...... punk.....

This day has been on my calendar for weeks. I will admit I wasn't looking forward to this rematch. You did have me psyched out a bit, especially this morning. Getting up early, sitting in my bathroom letting the shower water heat up, I did have a moment when you might have thought I was trembling a bit. I was just cold.... yeah, honest, that was it.......

I can't imagine how Jesus felt the hours before Judas betrayed him. Just thinking about what He went through those final hours actually gave me strength this morning. He could have walked away, but chose not to. Maybe I don't have that same choice, but I do have Him on my side...... and what I was going to face would so pale in comparison...... you are definitely not nearly the adversary.....

I have friends who are standing by me. Who do you have? Your buddy radiation? Ok, he packs a pretty good wallop too, but I will take my friends. They will be with me long after you both are well down memory lane..... and harbor no fantasies that you will end up anywhere else.... or that you will ever get a reunion invite.... you will be history buddy.... I appreciate that you and Rads are saving my life, but once you do, I really don't want to have anything to do with either of you ever again.... got it?

Ok chemo, ready to go? Let's do this. Time to get down in that dark place where we will battle for the next few days. I'm not afraid of the dark... or you....well, maybe a little, but I'm ready for you..... really, I am...... punk.

September 12 ....... memorable for many reasons....

ahhhhhhhhh, what a day. If all goes as planned, one month from today I have my last treatment. Then recovery, and before I can say "more ribs please", it will be like this never happened. Or at least a memory growing ever distant....

Today is also the first day I found the hair from my head in places other than my head. On my pillow, my bed, the sink and the shower. Doc said I would start losing it right about the time for chemo #2, so she was right on the money. Hope she is as right about the rest of my treatment. A shiny noggin is a small price to pay......

Can't swallow anymore, so its 100% tube feeding now. Kind of a bummer, but the good thing is that I know exactly how many Ensure I need to get to my elusive caloric intake goal. Still trying to dial that in since I lost a little more weight yesterday. Never thought the day would come when I would be anything short of ecstatic to step on a scale and see that I had actually lost a couple pounds. When the nurse weighed me, I kept my shoes on and even tried to keep my blackberry (hey, its half a pound, but she caught me)...... so different from before when I would shed almost everything but my shirt (had to still hide the belly)..... Heck, even as a small, well, better make that "young" boy, going shopping for pants and being directed to the "Husky" section was only the start of my lifelong battle to get that scale to go south, not north. Better add another bottle of ensure to my daily regiment..... don't want to get too skinny...... no, still doesn't sound right.

Liquid Vicoden is good stuff. I am careful and do try to limit my use, but it sure makes the tougher moments a little easier.

Up and down emotionally today for some reason. Family is here, that's good. Hair falling out isn't so good, but not a surprise and definitely temporary, so shouldn't be an issue. So thankful to have world class medical care and access to the best meds to help get through this, so that is a blessing. I can still get up, move around, take care of myself, so again, an amazing blessing and far better than it could be. And surrounded by love and friendship so no idea why the emotional roller coaster today......

Oh well, maybe just gearing up for next week. Hell week. But once its done, will be more than halfway. I cant wait........

Have a great weekend everyone..... we are so blessed in countless ways.

Goodness is basic...thank goodness

I believe in the basic goodness of people. The innate desire to be helpful, to do good, .... to actually feel like some one's life was bettered because of something you did...... I think almost everyone possesses this desire in varying amounts.

All too often its more a case of not knowing what to do or how to help than it is in having the desire to do so. Make it easy for someone to help, they usually will. Many times it benefits the giver as much as the recipient. Having been on a few international volunteer/mission trips, I can tell first hand that I always got more from the experience than I gave.

Often recently, I have been reminded by friends of ways I might have helped them in the past. Truthfully, I never thought about it that way. They needed help, I could help, so just help. Not really much to think about, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. I have witnessed countless times during this current ordeal, the basic desire of others to help me. The biggest challenge is finding ways to channel this desire, but there is simply no shortage of willingness to help. More than willingness, an actual desire to do so. I have felt uncomfortable at times....an appointment was running longer than it should and how this must be adding to the burden of my "driver".... but I have come to realize that they are not thinking this way at all. They are just happy to be helping.

I am very lucky to have such a great support system. And as special as my friends and family are, I really think this is human nature. Sometimes we think we don't have the capacity or talent to help, or that our effort is too minimal to have a positive impact, or our donation too small, or our time too short..... but that is rarely the case. Just do it. And maybe next time do a little more. But recognize, the want to help is in our DNA..... tap into it, it feels good. And those on the receiving end, like I am so often these days, will be better for it too.

One more day this week, then the weekend break. A little bittersweet as it also means closer to Tuesday, Chemo #2. Ugh. Ugghhhhh. A better way to look at it is just that much closer to getting this all behind me. Ok, that's the mindset I will take....for now..... still hate the thought of the days immediately after chemo. They don't last forever though.

Have a great week everyone. Treat yourself, go help someone.

Better second time around?

I remember when I turned 50 last year, I thought ok, now starts the second half of my life. Not sure why, but for many years I have just had a feeling that 100 was a birthday I would celebrate. Then, when I turned 51 this past July, it was very comfortable thinking that I had completed the first year of my second 50, and wondered how the two phases of my life might compare.

Not sure why, or even what significance this might have had at the time, but I recall thinking about all the "firsts" I experienced during "phase 1". First birthday, first shoes, first wagon, first day at kindergarten, first bicycle, first day at middle school, first "girlfriend", first day at high school, first day at college, first beer, first fight, first heartbreak, first job after college, first parent dying, first time on earth without parents, first charity, first mission trip.... actually, the list is amazingly long. And how couldn't it be. Exist long enough and everything tried is a first initially.

So, then I started thinking about what might possibly still be available to be a "first" during my second 50 years. That list was surprisingly short. First wedding, first child, first senior citizen discount... those were easy to tag. But what else? I can tell you the one thing that didn't cross my mind was first life threatening illness. Guess it kind of goes hand in hand with the whole live to 100 thing....one doesn't spend a lot of time thinking of something a bit in contrast with living.

As I thought more about this "gift" I discovered very early into the second year on my second 50, it actually presented me with more "first" opportunities than I ever would have imagined. Granted, there may be easier ways to achieve some of these. Then again, maybe not. I, for one, don't know if I would be able to count these on my second "first" list if not for my challenge. Things like really appreciating for the first time, saliva. Trust me, you do take it for granted until you don't have any. Appreciating for the first time, the ability to taste your favorite food, or any food. Savoring will take on an entirely new meaning, and importance, when I can again. Truly appreciating for the first time how special friendships and relationships can, and should be. Sure, I have always thought they were important, but I also always thought I didn't pay them as much attention as I should, and some day I really needed to get around to it. Some day, when I had more time........ For the first time, I now know nothing is more important. That and my faith, which also needed a kick in the arse to get back on track. But devoting time to personal relationships is so easily deferred, procrastinated to a time when I would surely get around to it....but never really did. And distance shouldn't be an obstacle, but more an enticing change of scenery to add to the joy of connecting with someone special. After all, when one really gets to the end of the race, its relationships, both human and spiritual, that are all we have. And how beautiful they are if we nurture them properly.

So, while my second set of firsts will look very different from the original recipe, I really am excited about experiencing them. And even more exciting......... they include you.

Have an awesome day. And think about your next set of firsts........

Flavor Bonanza

Just when I thought the vanilla would get the best of me, i decided it was time....well, more my stomach demanded it was time, to add at least one of the other two Ensure flavors to my daily regimen. Get to Walmart, search for that aisle where I never imagined I'd be wheeling my cart for another, oh, say 25 years, and choose either the chocolate or the strawberry, and double my culinary joy. You may think this is a bit overstated, but I actually think a goose bump formed when, low and behold, the most amazing discovery........ Ensure comes in not only the three basic flavors, but my goodness, Dark Chocolate, mixed berry, butter pecan (rejected because it must taste a lot like vanilla), strawberry cream. AND, there is a version called Ensure PLUS which adds another 100 calories to each bottle. Again, while the significance surely would have been lost on me before, so I'm sure you may be wondering why such a thrilling realization, but you have to realize, now in order to hit my magic 1500 daily caloric milestone, I need one less bottle!!!!! Trust me, it matters.

I actually gained a pound overnight. Yeah, I know, porker. I also gained precious energy. Go figure, eat more, get more energy. I also realize that its been two weeks since Chemo. Most of it has run its course, and any residual effects are probably not noticeable. And, the radiation has only had two weeks to accumulate, and although it has restricted my diet significantly, it is certainly bearable. So, my fellow Americans, what this all boils down to is that I am probably feeling better now than I will at any other time during this process. According to my Docs, week three radiation's cumulative effect will start to make itself well known, and in a week, me and chemo session #2 are set to have a throw down. Not really excited about that since his younger brother, chemo #1, was a bit more of a stud than I anticipated. But, the good news is that I will be about half way at that point, so its rounding the corner and heading back home.... there is only "time" between me and hearing those words I long for...... "ok, Mr Kearns (they are so polite) that's the last radiation treatment for you"......

My food list is formulating. Since its basically either soup or Ensure now, I have started thinking about the foods I want first when I can eat again. Authentic Texas BBQ is sure up there. Pizza. Bacon cheeseburger. Chinese fast food. For some reason, not soup. Looking forward to Thanksgiving, for a lot of reasons, but definitely the flavors. If thinking about food could cause weight gain, I think I wouldn't need so many of those dang Ensure bottles.... :)

Hope y'all are enjoying your weekend. Go eat your favorite food, and really take the time to enjoy it. We are all so blessed. We really are. And thanks so much for your wonderful blog sentiments.

It could be worse...... thankfully

Last night didn't go so well. Got a little sideways..... but I think it might have had more to do with not eating as much as I thought I had (what, lettuce isn't the end all be all food source??) and a little dehydration combined with a nauseous stomach snuck up like a mugger and gave me an unexpected hello. Will avoid that street going forward.

I have often thought about the world Hollywood celebs live in, and how their view of "life" is just so unlike the real people of the world. Their fame, and more importantly, their fortune, simply doesn't present the same desperate challenges ordinary folks face every day. Certainly not even in the same stratosphere as their bizarre world, I am very aware of how much easier I have this than so many others. I actually have the luxury of being able to focus practically all of my attention and energy to getting through this and pursue the golden ring of remission. How many others challenged by a similar foe aren't lucky enough to have good insurance to rely on? Have an employer that not only will tolerate an extended absence, but rallies around to support me through the journey? And will be there when I am ready to return? Can afford to be out of work and know that this month's bills will be paid? Have a comfortable home to wage the battle in? And how many find their only companion is loneliness........

Considering my life a series of blessings has never been a foreign concept to me. In fact, for years I have wondered why God has chosen to bless me in the specific ways He has. This new chapter in my life is no different. We all have our unique challenges. I have yet to encounter a situation, that with little imagination, couldn't be envisioned so much worse. Its never as bad as it could be. Someone, somewhere, always has a harder time or a more challenging obstacle.

Granted, realizing this doesn't eliminate all pain and discomfort, but somehow it does make me a stronger competitor. And thankful. And blessed. And so lucky.

Enjoy the long weekend. Be kind to someone. No matter what happens, it could always be worse.

calm before the storm??

Pretty good day today. Best day yet actually. According to my docs, its that period of time where the chemo has run through enough that the associated fatigue has noticeably diminished, and the cumulative effect of the radiation has yet to crest into much of a wave...remaining still far offshore, tsunami dreams dancing somewhere, but still miles from shore. Whatever, all I know is today's increased energy level and absence of discomfort had a VIP seat at the head of my table.

Speaking of table, I did eat more today, and more normal today than any day previous. Started out with experiencing "vanilla" (yuck) ensure thru my lovely, and I'm sure all would agree, quite sexy tube. What a hassle. Will definitely try to delay that again as long as possible. But then ate fairly well and fairly normal. I do notice the change coming though. The normal smoothness of my mouth (no, not my words) has been replaced with a fairly high grit sandpaper. And more foods are losing their taste...or worse, getting a little closer to that dreaded metallic taste, but overall, no complaints.

My goal through this weekend, especially since according to the radiation schedule it might be the best last chance, is to regain some of the weight I lost so far. I thought I ate ok yesterday but lost another pound. Down to 197, that's about 13 pounds from where I was when this started. True, under different circumstances I would love to get closer to that 190 mark, but for now, would like to keep around 200 until I can do it right.

One more treatment tomorrow, then its two weeks down and a three day weekend..... then time to turn up the heat. I will ask if I can take a picture of the radiation treatment, mask and all. Not sure if they will let me, or really if I want any visual reminder (I HATE radiation treatment), but it could help "share" my fun....... and you did want to come along for the ride, right? We'll see....

Oh, and before I go, again, I wish I had the words to express how moving your support continues to be. The messages, especially the blog comments, move me in ways I would have never anticipated. Heck, even getting some of them are surprising enough, but the medicinal, spiritual, emotional lift I get from them are, well, not only indescribable, but priceless in any currency. From the deepest, most genuine and sincere part of my heart, thank you so very much.

We will celebrate this victory one day.

Why me?

Before anyone misinterprets the "why me" as anything remotely resembling its energy sucking cousin "woe is me", I want to clarify..... This "why me" is asking why have I been so blessed. I am surrounded by so many who genuinely care about me and my journey.....and not just out of curiosity, but truly want to join along side in this challenge. Why am I so lucky???

Admittedly, I don't really like relying on anyone for help. Its not that I don't appreciate it, I most certainly do, but I have always just felt more comfortable handling things myself. Don't want to be a burden to anyone. People have their own lives and their own families and certainly don't need my added weight..... but ...... sometimes........ its just too much.

At first that is probably what I feared, getting to that point where I needed help. Short-lived was any ego fueled regret though, and since, it really has been the ever present warm embrace of true caring. I find myself either on the verge of tears, or actually succumbing to them almost anytime I talk about "how things are going"....and I know some might think the emotiuon is based on fear for what lies ahead. So not the case though. In fact, I don't really think alot about the journey ahead too much. No, the emotion that so easily bubbles to the surface is one of appreciation and simply being humbled by my good fortune to be surrounded by so many loving, caring friends and family.....and even those I haven't met yet.

27 radiation treatments and two more chemo sessions to go... and along the way..... no shortage of life-giving, loving bonds that will be forged that I will never be able to repay. Maybe that's the point though, you don't repay, you pass them on....

I am so lucky.

Feeling the strength

I'm 29 again!

Well, only for today. Then 28 tomorrow. Ok, before you think this crazy silent nemesis has crept into my brain, I'm talking about radiation treatments left to go. As of today, I only have 29 more to go.

Doesn't seem like such a big number. And the treatments really only last about 30 minutes.....and while virtually no palpable feeling associated with them at all, I sure don't like them. Maybe its the plastic, all too form-fitted mesh mask that snaps down forcefully, barely allowing even my thoughts to stretch, but whatever, i can't wait until the day when I say goodbye to that spaghetti strainer.

Cooling got fixed!! I think Mother nature celebrated the achievement by sending lower temperatures too. She has such a strange sense of humor.

The last two days have been better for me. Best yet actually. Still more tired than I would have thought, but a marked improvement over the first week. I think starting to focus on getting my caloric intake up each day has helped for sure. More so though, I really believe its the combined effort of so many of you praying and thinking good thoughts for my success in beating this challenge. I have always believed in prayer, at least I thought I did. Always easier to believe in something when actually getting it or not might be indiscernible. Like faith, always easier to profess having it when there really wasn't anything to test it. Guess we will see now over the next couple of months...... but i do believe, and I am forever grateful for all of you who do as well and keep me in your prayers. I know its helping. I know the real tests have yet to come, and certainly are already lickin their chops to have a go at this one...... but we will still be standing when this is done.

Thank you all so very much...... ok, better get ready for my date with 29.......

one week down

Seems like ages ago that I went to my dentist and asked him if he had any idea what that strange little growth was in my throat. Knowing for sure that is was surely nothing serious, but just in case, let's go see an ENT doc just in case. Which of course, although likely nothing serious, should probably have an MRI just for kicks....and then the biopsy....and the PET scan...and, well, here we are....one week down.

The week went by in a blur. Maybe because each day seems to be spent in a sort of a blur. Tired, fuzzy, no pain, just a constant tingling sensation. I am surprised I can lay still for so long. Not wanting to move, but still all the while, feeling everything. Weird.

Its hot today. Cooling went out yesterday in the house. Will get that fixed soon, hopefully tomorrow.

Got to get motivated though. Or not. Rest is nice too.

Oh, I'm supposed to eat too?

The feeling is still all just sort of surreal. Not really any pain, just a relative constant state of fogginess. Low level electric current running through, buzzing along, not really taking any prisoners, just wrapping around every part of my body.

My energy level has been quite low, and if I could sleep all day, I probably would. Which is quite silly for the first week of treatment. Truthfully, I think it stems much more from my lack of eating than any effect of the treatment. Maybe some side-effect from the anti-Nausea meds, but really, I just need to eat more. Funny, if you saw me in a speedo, you would know eating has never been hard for me. Ok, ok, sorry for the image....

Thanks again to everyone who continue to impress upon me just how blessed I am to have such a strong and loving support network. The texts, emails, blog responses, calls..... i appreciate every one of them. I just wish I could respond personally to each one, but I trust you understand if I cannot. I am touched in ways you likely will never know though by your gestures. Truly just one of the endless blessings I enjoy.

Good news... I still have my hair. Not sure I am a mullet kind of guy Pat and Mac, but thanks for thinking about me. :)

I am about off for Radiation treatment #4, then only 30 more to go. Heck, that's almost into the twenties.... this will be done in no time.

reality check

Rough night. Didn't sleep well, nausea came on a little stonger than expected, but increasing my meds tonite should help.

Only day 2 of the treatment process and I think I might have underestimated my opponents. That chemo chap packs a punch! Probably helped him a little by not eating for the 7 hours we exchanged insults, but won't make that mistake again. so, the smart money is still on me fight fans.

Had my second radiation treatment today. 2 down, only 32 more to go. Over the long haul, I think she will be the more worthy adversary. Not unbeatable by any stretch of even the wildest imagination though, so bring her on.

Thanks to everyone for the calls, emails, texts and blog messages. I apologize if I am slow to respond. Trust that I do listen/read them all. They are very encouraging and I can't really express how helpful they are, but trust that they are.....everyone of them.

Optimism runs high, this is still a blessing.

welcome to the neighborhood

Hi All!!

What a great day.

First day for Chemo and Radiation. Feeding tube "installed" yesterday....didn't like that too much. Not sure why I thought it would be painless.....getting "stabbed" in 5 places in the belly would obviously not be a party. Much better today though.

Been hooked up to this chemo pump for about 4.5 hours now. I think I only have about another hour or so to go. Then get to meet my radiation machine....hope he's nice, will be my up close and personal friend on a daily basis for the next 7 weeks.

Strange realization today. I'm the only one with hair in here. I knew the day was coming when I won't have any, but it still didn't seem real. Until today. I have tried to walk around and talk to my neighbors (the pumps are mobile thank goodness), and they are all very nice. But they also seem a bit discouraged. And very tired. I won't get there. And I will do what I can to help them back to my side of the fence. Its better over here anyway.

I know I have a long way to go, and there will undoubtedly be "those days", but trust that I am maintaining a very positive attitude. And I have been overwhelmed at the amazing outpouring of love and caring I have received. Actually, its been humbling. I just never knew how blessed I was... am..... thank you so very much. No matter how strong one can try to be, the strength that is gained from such expressions is "priceless". I am so lucky.

OK, better gear up to meet my new buddy. he just might be a life saver........

Kev is on his way for his first treatment. This is an all day event. Hang in there Kev :)

Kev get another way to eat

Kev is here at the hospital (in surgery) getting a feeding tube put in place. Hopefully, he won't need it